Mommy Wis(h)dom

Humor...not so much.

2012-02-03T08:57:00.001-07:00

We've hit a new stage in our house.

Seven year old humor.

(oh the sounds of collective groans of those gone before me....did you hear it?)

I remember when my nephew hit this stage. His humor went from intentionally timed one liners that left us laughing so hard and then the awkward seven year old humor stepped in and all that was left was the sound of.........crickets. Unless you're are seven, and then you find other seven year olds hysterical.

My seven year old is there. Maybe it's just because we've spent the last two days attached at the hip while he was home sick, or maybe I'm lacking patience or most likely he's not made for comedy.

Here's the problem with 7 Year Old Humor; they say something, anything and if you react they repeat over and over and over and over and over until they've beat any sense of funny right out of it. As the adult you have to be ready. If you react to quickly and laugh you must be prepared to hear the same thing for the next four days....continuously! While you are trying to escape, desperately looking for sharp items to shove in your ears, he's repeating himself over and over waiting for your laugh.

It's endless. If you have a four year old in the house, it's even worse. Repeating B does everything his cooler, older brother does....you guessed it...over and over and over.

So if you see me in the corner, mumbling and I've got my crazy eyes on.....don't start with humor when you approach me.

Mother of the Year Award

2012-01-23T06:00:00.000-07:00

This weeks Mother of the Year Award goes to an anonymous Mother.

A few weeks ago I watched this Mom walking into school with her daughter. I'm guessing her daughter is in first maybe second grade. They're are arguing and I'm working hard to tune out the banter between my boys.

Mother: I'm serious! Those shoes need to be put away. It's too cold outside to be wearing flip flops to school. You can put them away until the Spring.

Daughter: Okay Mom! (She shrugs and maybe even an eye roll, practicing for puberty?)

Mother: I'm not kidding. If you don't put them away, I'll throw them away.

In my head I'm offering her an Oscar Award for that performance. She sounds believable. As Moms we all know she's not going to throw them away. Throwing them away means throwing away the $5 we spent at Old Navy for those shoes. And if that's not bad enough, having to spend another $5 to buy more because she'll need some as soon as the weather warms up. Because come summertime, we will not stand there and wait for tennis shoes to be shoved on and tied. No we'll stand there tapping our foot, counting the things we still have to get done while our children are tying their shoelaces. Oh hell no, this is Arizona. It's ten thousand degrees outside. Shove your feet in those flip flops and lets go.

So my thoughts tangent off to how she'll get around getting those shoes out of the way. I do agree with her, it's entirely too cold to be wearing flip flops.

Later after all the parents have shuffled their children to class and we're heading back to our cars, I see Flip Flop Mom. I'm half tempted to congratulate her on her speech. In my head I am, but my filter is entirely too intact to allow myself to actually utter the words. Only occasionally does that happen. I imagine her with a crown and cape. As I'm watching her flowing cape I look down and realize......she's wearing flip flops.

So for you Anonymous Flip Flop Mom...here is your Mother of the Year Award.

Conversations With a 7 Year Old

2012-01-18T19:15:00.001-07:00

I walked into a store this afternoon and I asked my seven year old son to hold the door open. Seeing an opportunity....

Me: This is what nice boys do, they hold the doors open for girls. This is part of using your manners and being a gentleman. Later you can open car doors for girls and.....

N: (Sighs loudly) Why do boys have to be the servants?

(insert laughter)

Mom of the Year Award

2012-01-16T16:02:00.000-07:00

I reluctantly passed on the Mother of the Year Award this weekend. I'm not too worried, I'll get it back soon.

My friend called me Friday day night, "You're gonna love this, pass the Mom of the Year Award my way!"

Friday morning her daughter tells her she isn't feeling well. She's laying on the couch sniffling. My friend pops some allergy medicine down her daughters throat and drags her out the door to school.
"Suck it up, we're going to school."

About ten that morning the school nurse calls her. "I don't think she's sick. Her throat isn't red, and no fever. I think maybe allergies." My friend tells the nurse to pass on a message, "Please tell my daughter to knock off the drama and get back to class."

Hours pass.

About two in the afternoon her daughters homeroom teacher calls. The background noise is deafening. "Um...I think she might actually be sick this time. Your daughter is past out cold in the middle of the class."

An hour later the pediatrician confirms she has strep throat.

We at MommyWishdom.com, award the Mother of the Year Award to you, my friend.

Suck it up and knock of the drama and take your damn award! (insert eye wink)

What do you get with your award? Oh let me tell you. For years to come your children will remind you of this lovely story. They'll hold it over your head. Scream it at you in the height of puberty. When you think they've finally forgotten...oh no, they'll tell you how they've begun see a therapist to deal with their childhood. Oh yes, for years to come you get to hear about this one. Enjoy!!

It's awesome being a Mom sometimes.

Do You Have Fry Sag?

2012-01-11T17:07:00.005-07:00

Recently, I was eating dinner, a simple bowl of soup, although delicious it was lacking the tasty shoestring french fries that were a few inches away from me, calling my name. The waitress soon dropped off a bottle ketchup. I watched from across the table as those beautiful fries were smothered in bright red ketchup.

Lets get something straight right here. I'm all about ketchup, there's none of that all natural fries with me. They've been cooked in grease for the love of God, we're way past natural. If you want a natural fry go pull the potato out of your backyard and chew on it. I'm clearly on a tangent here... Focusing!

I maintained the filter I've perfected over the years and shut my mouth and didn't even show my disappointment in the blood bath of ketchup those poor fries were drowning in. Yes drowning.
I carried on and tried not to look the fries in the eyes. Potatoes have eyes....don't fries?

Sometime later the waitress stopped by to see if we were satisfied. She eyed the pool of ketchup and fries.

Waitress: Can I ask you a question?
Fry Drowner: Sure
Waitress: Is it a guy thing to smother your fries in ketchup because my son likes it like that too and I hate it.
Me: Thank god, thank you. I was wondering the same thing. How can anyone eat fries like that? Your fingers get all ketchuppy. (yes - that is a technical term for fingers covered in ketchup. I checked the Kellitionary - and it was there.)
Fry Drowner: I eat them like this! (And proceeds to pick one up from the chaos of ketchup and fry pile, pops one in his mouth and licks his fingers clean, smiling. Apparently if you drown your fries in ketchup you do it with a smile as well.)
Me: Exactly! You have to clean up after every bite. Plus they're all soggy now.
Waitress: (shudders)

It seems a perfectly good waste to smother your fries in ketchup. If you dip you can control the amount of ketchup you want without getting all dirty and covered in red goop. Your fries stay firm and wonderful and you don't get the inevitable fry sag. There really is nothing worse than French Fry Sag, right?

So, what do you think?

Do you prefer your french fries smothered in ketchup or are you a ketchup dipper?

Mother Walk of Shame

2012-01-04T21:00:00.000-07:00

I saw a sign that said getting kids out the door should be considered an Olympic sport. If it was I'd be a god damn gold medalist. Finally a sport I could succeed in.

Every morning it's a rush to get the two kids I have dressed, fed, brushed and out the door with their jacket, backpack and appropriate lunch. By 9:20 I'm exhausted. Never mind the nightly homework and pages upon pages of paperwork to be read and signed. And who ever said public school was cheap, was an idiot. Every week there is some new project that requires $4 here or the field trip in March that cost $150. (That rant deserves it's own post.)

With all this going on, and that's just whats happening with my kids because god forbid I should I have anything happening because the whole system would come to a screeching halt. Anyway, amongst the paperwork, signature required papers, etc.....a Mommy Fail. The best part was I stood next to two great Moms who joined me in the Mommy Fail.

That's right, pass that Mother of the Year Award back this way!!!

It was 2:55 and the Moms stood together exhausted waiting for our children to tear out of the classroom doors.

Mom 1: Can you believe it I forgot to bring the juice boxes I was supposed to bring for the class event.
Mom 2: What...a class event....was I supposed to bring something?
Mom 1: Yes, for the Thanksgiving presentations. I'll drop off the stuff for the Friendship mix in the morning.
Mom 2: What Friendship Mix, what are you talking about? Thanksgiving Presentation food item?
Mom 1: The yellow paper, in the folder?
Mom 2: (dumbfounded) I have no idea what you are talking about.
Mom 3: Hello ladies.
Mom 1: Did you bring in your Friendship mix ingredient, or the presentation food item?
Mom 3: Huh?
Mom 2: The yellow sheet of paper?
Mom 3: Crap! I saw it in kid #1's bag, but never checked kid #2's bag.

So all three of us Moms and our six kids walked into second grade and stood in front of the children's teacher and announced we had not done our homework.

Being Awesome is best enjoyed with others.

Cappy the Elf - Finale

2011-12-28T07:24:00.000-07:00

So you might be wondering how the last days of Cappy's visit went. He was a busy elf that's for sure.

Cappy was REALLY naughty! Who knew an elf without opposable thumbs could work a screw driver so well.

Cappy tested out his daredevil notions and parachuted from the ceiling fan. Silly elf forgot the parachute and brought with him a container of M&M's.

Good thing for Cappy I had a fresh bag of marshmallows in the cabinet. They came in handy when he and T-Rex decided to have a snowball fight. They might have some labor issues come up. They made the duplo guys go all the work. I'm pleading the fifth if anyone knocks on my door. Just saying.

Christmas morning Cappy left a letter typed on the computer screen telling us how much fun he had with us this year. He hopes Santa send him back this way again next year. He was very proud of the boys and was only concerned about Sam the cats lack of interest in getting off the naughty list. Oh well, maybe next year she'll be more motivated.

My Gifts....

2011-12-26T20:14:00.000-07:00

This year my best gifts were the lessons I learned.
   - It wasn't about spending all that money on my kids gifts. Even at the eleventh hour when I panicked that Christmas would be ruined because the one gift my son asked for, wouldn't be under the tree. He never noticed. He loved every gift he was given and never had a moment of disappointment.

   - I spent the holidays with the people that mattered to me. Yes, I was still guilted to be everywhere all the time, but I let go of it. I spent time with people who knew my heart was hurting and made me laugh anyways. Those are the people you want to surround yourself with. Those people are a gift.

   - Even my seven year old had lessons. He watched family members play Dance Dance on the Wii, wanting to play too. No matter how we prodded he just wouldn't let himself give in to it. We drove home while he cried in the backseat. He was disappointed that he didn't do it, scared he would have been embarrassed if he had done it and just downright miserable. God I know that gut wrenching feeling! That beautiful child is just like his mother. (Just ask to view a videotape of my 7th birthday) I held him and reminded him that I loved him and would be proud of him whether he was the best dancer or the worst.

The joy comes from just doing it, letting go and having fun.

I think I just found my 2012 New Years Resolution.

What did you learn this year?

Merry Christmas

2011-12-24T14:06:00.000-07:00

Merry Christmas!

We hope your Christmas is filled with joy and 2012 brings you what your heart desires.

Love,

The MommyWishdom Crew.

Naughty List

2011-12-19T08:42:00.001-07:00

N: "Oh man that Elf is on the Naughty list now."
B: Ever hopeful - "He's not Naughty, he's just funny"

Well this weekend Cappy was Naughty. The closer we get to Christmas the Naughtier he gets. I can't even image what Santa is thinking about all of this.

Clearly he is not a member of the Arbour Society.

And this morning...oh man!! After looking all morning for underwear for B and trying to find Cappy, we finally found, both of them. Cappy froze B's underwear - solid and even hung ice from them. B" "He's defitly on the Naughty list now!"

The Elf...again

2011-12-16T08:00:00.000-07:00

Man that Elf has been busy. Cappy has been on a roll this week. The boys made ornaments this past weekend and I think Cappy felt a bit left out because we found him with his own ornament for the tree. Sorry we forgot you Cappy.

Then the next morning we found a note from Cappy, written in my only RED lipstick. "I told Santa you've been good so far. But brush your teeth more, you have STINKY breath. PS Sam the Cat is on the Naughty list. Bad Cat!" The boys thought this was great.

I wasn't as pleased to see half of the lipstick gone. Hmmm

The next day tt seemed Cappy disappeared. We couldn't find him anywhere. Then N came barrelling up the stairs to say he found Cappy..........on TV, and not just sitting on TV but actually in a commercial on TV. So that's where he went! We were starting to worry.

This morning Cappy's naughty side came back. Santa must be busy and not noticing a naughty elf's behavior. Cappy decorated the Christmas Tree with the boys underwear. Oh man!!

Bad Days

2011-12-14T06:39:00.001-07:00

Apparently even Angels have BAD days.

Good v. Bad

2011-12-11T21:29:00.001-07:00

I'm not really sure if we got the Good Elf or the Bad Elf.

The boys love it when he's naughty but I'm doing a lot of extra cleaning around here.

Cappy better straighten up his game.

Cappy the Elf

2011-12-07T05:46:00.000-07:00

I tried to push the holidays off. You know like maybe till....February, or April even. Santa wanted nothing to do with this plan. He replied to my email request with a few curse words and something about "screwing up his vacay". Whatever! Just to get back at me for even asking, this year he sent us an Elf. Yep, an Elf. Each day he's here to watch over us and report back to Santa any naughty or nice behavior. (I swear I'm trying so hard to be good this year)
This is Cappy! He showed up on December 1, I'm sure as reminder from Santa that I will abide by his "Christmas is in December" rule! (eye roll)

He's a busy little guy and has made himself quite comfortable, quite quickly, in our home. We found him perched in front of our computer with a long typed message for the boys. He was so glad we left the computer on. He said pens were too big to hold and write with. He's excited to be here but a little nervous Sam the Cat is going to eat him.

Cappy is starting to have fun with the boys now and finding cool places to hide. He must be pretty strong because those glasses are heavy.

Cappy is starting to cause some trouble. Last night he went on a mission of decoration. He took items from around the house to decorate two trees just for him. I hope this is the last of the naughty side of Cappy.

It's possible ~~Crappy~~, oops I mean Cappy, misses the North pole. I'm not sure why really, because it's been really cold in Arizona. He made himself a Winter Wonderland....on the counter, and even erected a Lego Snowman. The elf makes a mess but he sure has skills. (Yes, yes his snow angel making skills do lack, but look at those legs, straight as a stick!)

This is my kind of elf. We found him this morning sitting in front of the TV, with a cup of coffee and little elf doughnuts he had made. You can see why he fits in here....he likes his doughnuts with sprinkles just like B & N.

Check back for more adventures with Cappy.

Student of the Month

2011-12-04T20:41:00.001-07:00

First off some background information. In Kindergarten N was selected for Student of the Month. He was thrilled. So thrilled in fact when it came time to buy school clothes for 1st grade he picked out a special shirt he could wear when he got picked for Student of the Month. He never got picked in first grade.

So when N was selected for Student of the Month in his second grade class, it was huge!! We were so excited. We hooped and hollered and promised to celebrate in style. N called each Grandparent and cordially invited them to attend his Student of the Month Assembly.

The morning of we ironed a shirt he took his time picking out. We made sure his spikes in his hair were just right. We ate a special breakfast for the special Student of the Month boy. N announced, "This is the best day ever." All was right with the world.

Eight family members sat front and center with my beaming seven year old and waited for his name to be called.

They called all the first graders and N wiggled excitedly next to me on the bench.

Second grade. Two kids names called. Four kids names called. Six kids named called. Seven and eight were from his class, but were not N. The principal asked for a round of applause before going on to Third grade.

My heart stopped! N looked at me. "They didn't call my name." Sensing a pending doom, I searched for answers in my head. Clearly there was a mistake. I looked around for his teacher, but she was no where. I ran through my "What Would ____ (Enter friends name here) Do?" to look for possible solutions. Do I confront the principal? Do I stand up and make a big deal? Do I wait and say something later?

N started crying. "Mama, what happened?" "Can I go home, please don't make me go back to my class." He quickly kept wiping tears from his eyes while my Dad and I tried to console him.

"It was just a mistake baby, we'll figure it out." A million thoughts are running through my head now. Part, a very large part, wanted to grab him and run home and protect him from a cruel world. Another part knew there was a lesson in here somewhere and going back to class would be good. His friends would be supportive. (If not I'd drop kick any one of them)

I held him closer and assured him we'd figure it out. The embarrassment of asking his family to come when he clearly wasn't Student of the Month hit full force. The tears continued.

Another father next to me leaned over, "Here we go, here's our kids." He didn't know what had happened. We clapped for each child and the Principal began to wrap up her speech and send the students back to class. Another teacher I do not know, came forward and whispered to the Secretary who then whispered to the Principal and I begged for them to have figured it out. The Secretary ran down the hall and the Principal tried to stall. A few minutes later she announced they had made a mistake. The two kids called out from N's class are actually the Student of the Month for next month (SURPRISE) and they forgot to call this months kids. She called Nick to the stage.

By now the tears are falling and I can barely get the camera up to take a picture.

The Principal came over and apologized to N after the ceremony and apologized to me as well. Of course by now I'm having a complete let down of emotions and can't stop crying, thanking her for figuring it out and telling her it's okay.

As a parent you look back and know this will be one of those defining moments. Will it be a moment of strength or the moment he shares with his therapist, thirty years from now.
These second grade lessons are killing me.

Wood Kites

2011-11-28T20:33:00.001-07:00

From the mouth of the 3 year old, reciting 'Twas the Night Before Christmas:

"As he came down the whimney he said,

Merry Christmas to all and to all a Wood Kite!"

Turkey Trot Drama

2011-11-23T05:58:00.001-07:00

When N was in Kindergarten I was introduced to the Turkey Trot. I left work to go watch, as the parents were invited. The week prior N came home everyday sad.
"I'm the slowest kid in my class. I'll never win."

N is the type of kid who needs to succeed. He needs to be the best and when he isn't he struggles. Unfortunately he got his running stride from me. "Stride" isn't even close to what we look like when we are running. More like chaos on a sidewalk. It's ugly. His Dad worked with him a few days before and I showed up to the Turkey Trot. I yelled and cheered and he came in second to last. It broke my heart. It broke his heart.

So when the Turkey Trot came around again in First Grade, I started getting hives! Although it went better that year. He was now 12th from last and he so excited that he had improved.

The Turkey Trot of Second Grade is here. Last night in the car he asked if I would be able to come watch him run.
"No baby, I have to work."
And then he went through a list of people who might be available to come watch him run, all with the same answer "no, they have to work."

"Okay, well........at least this way no one in my family will get to see." Implying failure was inevitable.

This is one of those moments when those wonderfully timed words of wisdom would be great. Nothing came though, my heart truly broke for my child. I admit to even crying that night when I went to bed. The next morning I woke up to a new list of To Do's for work and knew there was no chance I'd make it to the Turkey Trot. However I did ask his Grandfather if he could go watch and cheer him on, gratefully he did. He even said N started off slow but built his speed and did really well. N loved having people there.

"How'd you do in the Turkey Trot?"
"I was running so hard, trying to make it to the end before I ran out of air, but I think there were at least 20 kids behind me!!"
"Wow, N, that's awesome!"
I asked how a few other kids in his class did.
"I don't know I was trying so hard nto to fall down I didn't see anyone else."

God, I love that kid!!!

Lessons From 2nd Grade

2011-11-22T20:48:00.001-07:00

Each morning I make sure my son is dressed, fed, make his lunch, and follow behind him with the coat he left behind. I drop him off at school. An institution, a place of learning. I revel in the thought knowing that his head will soon be filled with knowledge and lessons.......and the reality is, even at 35, it's me still learning the lessons.

My sons school did a fundraiser a few weeks ago. You know the catalog of crap they proudly bring home. Cookie batter, wrapping paper and loads of other crap you don't want to spend money on. My sons Grandfather and I even discussed just donating money instead of actually purchasing things we really didn't want. However, we ended up ordering crap!

On the second day home from school my son read off the list of prizes for the students. You know...more crap. Crap I'll be throwing away in three months. Anyways....on he read. The last prize was an iPad 2 for the class that sold the most items. From the back seat he rattled on how cool it would be to have one in his class. I even offered how hard of a goal that would be and he replied, "We can do it."

Thinking back to my own fundraiser days, I considered my options. Reality was they weren't likely to win the iPad. His school is k-8 and there are at least four classes to every grade and that means there are....well a lot of damn classes. (shut up math was never my speciality) I thought about his broken little face when he realized his class wouldn't win. Do I tell him now and spare a few moments of disappointment in the future? Do I let him figure it out, just like I had to allllllllll those years ago? I played my options like a tennis match for quite a while on the drive home.

I sighed and decided it was best to let him learn the lessons himself. Okay, hardly the righteous parent I also didn't want to be the one to break his heart. Those tears get me every time.

Monday he came running out of his classroom after school. "Mama, you'll never believe it. We sold the most stuff, we won the iPad 2 for our class!"

The lesson was all mine!!

Protection!

2011-11-16T11:30:00.000-07:00

Me: What is in your pants, B?

B: Protection.

Me: Protection from what?

B: It's protecting you from the monster behind it.

............!

Veterans Day

2011-11-11T07:57:00.001-07:00

It's Veterans Day and my boys woke up early and came downstairs to watch cartoons. I started to hear plotting and planning and figured I'd better drag my butt out of bed to see what they were up to.

N and B we seated in front of the computer while N told B all about the Vietnam Veterans Memorial Wall. They looked at the Google images while N told his little brother all that he had learned in school.

It was a gift to watch my boys have this moment and I know it was because of the names on that wall, plus many more, that I was able to have this moment with my boys.

Not All Our Friends Have Tails, But There's A Tale For Every Friend

2011-11-03T06:07:00.000-07:00

Last week it started with......

Sealy the Seal whose Mom dropped her off because she had to go to the store. Don't worry she doesn't bite.

Dinosaury the Dinosaur came next. He really likes riding in cars with us. He enjoys "Dinosaur Drinks" which are good for people and Dinosaurs.

Spidery got hand carried everywhere we went but didn't stay too long. Too much work to hold him I suspect.

Sealy came back for a short visit. Her Mom was at the doctor's. In fact we thought she might have to move in with us for awhile but eventually her Mom showed up.

Chameleon from Chameleon got a special house made for him but he only stayed a day too. Once his house rolled down the stairs it was hard to convince him to stay.

Royal John has graced us off and on. He has a lot of parties so we are always on the invite list to his next Birthday party or Halloween Party. In fact next week he's having a Thanksgiving/Halloween party. I'll keep you informed. He's does love a good party and he always insists on inviting all his friends.

Yesterday, Cecelia stopped by. She's brand new and pink. She's from Cecelia Land where everyone else is pink too "except for one girl who is yellow and one is green but greens my favorite color so that's okay".

I'm fascinated by the way B's little mind is running and can barely take notes fast enough as he tells me tall tales about his new friends. This is quite possibly the best stage.

Halloween 2011

2011-10-31T20:54:00.001-07:00

What a great year. The boys were totally into it this year. They even overcame their fear and went through an inflatable haunted house. (Chickened out last year) It was so fun to watch them.

Faces of Joy - Grease Monkey

2011-10-26T07:12:00.000-07:00

Does chasing after your sister EVER get old?

Girl Bullets

2011-10-24T08:59:00.000-07:00

Sitting on the toilet, B looks around for entertainment. Pulling a tampon from a nearby box....

B: Mama what are these?
Me: They're for girls. (All things "girly" are totally uninteresting for my boys, praying it works this time)
B: But what are they?
Me: Tampons (please, please, please don't ask me anymore questions!!!)
B: OHH! They're bullets for girls!
Me: (stunned silent for a minute) Um.....yes, they are.

Faces of Joy

2011-10-19T14:00:00.000-07:00

Conversation With A 3 Year Old

2011-10-18T06:00:00.000-07:00

Tonight B, my three year old, had to go to bed early because he didn't finish eating his dinner before the timer went off. Unfortunately for him we ate dinner early. Off to bed he went and I happened to notice a few things on the floor in his room when I kissed his cheek goodnight.

Fast Forward One Hour...

B came downstairs. I ushered him back upstairs.
Me: B, did you clean up the mess in here? (His room now spotless, score 1 for Mom)
B: No, it wasn't me.
Me: Who was it?
B: Well a guy with an invisible coat that's sneaks in so he doesn't annoy the children with all his cleaning.

What the Teacher/Parents Are Really Thinking

2011-10-16T20:06:00.000-07:00

N came home with the State Project his class was working on. Here is the first line from his paperwork.

"This project is meant for you and your child to work together to complete the discovery of information & interesting facts about two states. You and your child will take a journey together in finding information about both of your child's states."

What the Teacher REALLY Wants to Say:
"I'm not STUPID enough to take on such a ridiculous project at school, so YOU do it."

What the PARENTS Are Actually Thinking:
"Project At Home" = #@&%!!!!

"Discovery of Information and Interesting....both of your child's states" = "Both my child states? How about the STATE I'm going to be in when this damn project is over. Research that! No, no Mommy is fine, babbling and drool is totally normal, see if Nebraska has a State Hospital, we can add that to your map."

"Interesting, are you f'ing kidding me....there's nothing in Nebraska!"

"Isn't this why I send my kid TO school, to do projects AT school?"

"Nebraska and South Dakota...well.....@%&*#!!"

"My kid took one for the team with these two states, they study countries he damn well better get something easy next time!"

"I better get a goddamn A...I mean he better get a goddamn A on this project."

Preschool Family Night

2011-10-14T09:58:00.002-07:00

Preschoolers Rock!
B is in the front row, on the end, waving at us like crazy. So damn cute!

Craft-Challenged

2011-10-10T20:30:00.001-07:00

I'm in trouble at B's Preschool.

Last week his teacher handed me his school bag with his iron-on patches dangling, a sad look on her face and said, "Maybe you could at least put his name on it so we know whose bag it is."

I took the bag and my kid and hurried out to the car. In my head I told myself this was part of some evil plot the teachers have against the parents. Life is hard, lets teach those kids now. Go home, decorate their bag and let their friends and other mother's judge you on your work. As it is we all stand outside in the morning with side glances and looks. So lets up the anty and point out to our kids who has the better Mom because she painted a goddamn super-hero scene on her son's bag and which kid has that Mom who is...shall we say craft-challenged.

Now I am the first to admit that this bag is sad. I thought using iron on patches would make the most sense. Easy, bright and I let B pick out what he wanted to put on there. He selected over thirty patches at first and at $3.99 a piece I had to limit his creativity. So I told him to pick three, he thought four was more reasonable.

I bought iron on letters to do his name as well. The directions said "Place iron on patches for no more than 20-40 seconds on each side". Nineteen minutes later...nothing was sticking but the left side of the "B". I'm lucky the whole house didn't burn up.

In my quest for personal responsibility, I blame the school and peer pressure. If the school would let us use already decorated backpacks this would have been resolved months ago. In regards to peer pressure, there are two mother's toting their kid's bags around, that they clearly mastered for them. They look like they should framed not drug through the dirt and handled by the snot filled hands of a three year old.

I could say "I let my kids decorate his own bag." Well, until they realize that means I would have had to let my three year old handle a hot iron and I'm sure since I'm already on the "CPS Watch List".......it won't go over well.

By the way...I did go back and write his name on the bag....with a sharpie.

Screw cool!

It's coming.....

2011-10-06T20:21:00.000-07:00

Remember the movie Psycho?

I am that woman in the shower. Suspicious, but convinced I'm removed from any danger, even if only for a minute. Little do I know on the other side of the curtain....danger looms.

P*U*B*E*R*T*Y!!

The other day in the car my seven year old told me about a school fundraiser they were having at a local ice cream shop.

Normal Sweet Child: "The money you spend for ice cream, goes to our school."
Me: "That's great, but tonight is not a good night."

Enter puberty.........
Puberty Child: "FIIIIINNNE, it's you don't want to donate money to the school I go to, then just FIIIINNE!!!"

My seven year old boy turned into a twelve year, raving hormonal child in just a manner of seconds.

Sweet Jesus, what the hell is coming??!!!!

Faces of Joy

2011-10-05T06:42:00.000-07:00

E is for......

2011-09-30T06:39:00.000-07:00

Excited

Ecstatic

Effervescent

...and Elephant!

Faces of Joy

2011-09-28T08:54:00.000-07:00

Aretha Franklin Was Onto Something.....

2011-09-26T21:08:00.001-07:00

This is the third year the letter has come home from the school. I guess I should be appreciative that my sons' school district even sends home the letter. A district, nearby, doesn't even offer the opportunity to their students. They won't even allow their students to listen, let alone give parents the choice to decide.

What could it be?

Must be damn controversial?

Must be, in some way, "harmful" for kids, right?

When did listening to a speech from the President of the United States telling kids to work hard, study and stay in school become so goddamn controversial? Seriously, what is wrong with this?

This angers me in a such a raw way. I don't care what your politics are, I don't care which side you support. This man is still our President. OUR President! A President voted in by the people, fair and square. He deserves our respect.

When did the party line become so drawn that we became suspicious, angry and disrespectful?   There are no reasons I can comprehend why a parent would "opt out" of listening to the President speak to our children.  In fact, I challenge someone to prove me wrong.

When we tell a child that their President doesn't have something important to say because he A. Represents one particular political party or B. Is a black man C. He might be "brainwashing" our children - we only continue the political corruptness that we have put into power and are thus complaining isn't actually getting any work done.

Maybe he isn't the President you voted for, but he's still YOUR President. No one told him he could pick and choose the people he represented when he became YOUR President.   He even represents the people who put horrible bumper stickers on their cars suggesting death. (Good God!!!) He represents everyone and everyone has the option to voice their opinions, respectfully, but bottom line he still deserves respect. He has a great message about the importance of school. Did you read that: his message is about staying in school.

Show me a kid who wouldn't benefit from hearing their President tell them that working hard in school is by far the most important decision they could make.

Teach your kids the value of listening, evaluating what they hear and then voicing a concern in a respectful manner.

Teach your children to respect the man we, as a country, voted to be our leader.

Teach our children respect.

Final Fish Tales....

2011-09-21T20:20:00.004-07:00

So the Saga of the Fish.

Y'all have been around for some exciting times when we ventured into the "Pet Arena". Mostly I blame Stacia with "lets get fish for the kids" speech. Lets take a look back at where we've been. (click on the orange words to take you to that blogpost)

Where it all started. Yeah Mr. Easter Bunny, bring fish to our house, that's a great frickin' idea. We started with goldfish...remember? Three days people, they didn't survive three days in our house. Remember how my plan was to educate my kids correctly about death......? You're still laughing at that one aren't you?

I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. Oh yes the fish crime scene tape, because killing fish is clearly a FAMILY affair.

RIP Trout Another one bites the dust!!

The Killing of the Snail Because killing fish just wasn't enough.

Oh and there was a frog we killed recently as well. In fact I think some of his frog bones are still in the bottom of the fish tank. With.....wait for it.......the bones of the latest fish! (Hitting my head on the desk) Oh yes, another one bites the dust!!

That's not even the best part. I've been feeding the DEAD fish for about a week now, didn't even notice. Oh yeah put that Mom of the Year Award right here!!

I can't seem to bring myself to tell the kids. Announcing their parents are divorcing and their fish died at the same time feels a little....well, cruel really. I checked there is not one damn chapter about how to handle this in the parenting books. Bastards!!

Faces of Joy

2011-09-21T06:09:00.000-07:00

2011-09-19T20:56:00.001-07:00

Tonight my seven year old offered to help my three year old with his preschool homework. Although he is a sweet boy I think the motives had more to do with the ease of preschool homework compared to piano homework. Regardless, I was having an "aww" moment.

The homework was a maze. Keep in mind my three year has a cast on his right hand/arm making it very difficult to write. So the 7 year old grabbed a crayon and said, "I'll start the lines and you tell me which way to go."

He started the blue line and stopped at the first intersection.

7 year old, "Which way?"

3 year old, "This way."

7 year old, "Which way?"

3 year old, "This way."

...on and on they went through the maze. Nearing the end....

7 year old, "Which way? This way or that way?"

3 year old, "That way."

7 year old, "Which way now?"

3 year old, "N, I think we're lost!"

The "D" word....

2011-09-18T09:55:00.001-07:00

My husband and I are getting a divorce.

That is a sentence I swore I'd never say. I vowed to love till death do us part and at the time I had every intention of fulfilling that. At 23 my idyllic world was beautifully laid out in front of me. I believed with my husband by my side I could accomplish anything. We'd support and love each other and carry each other through the hard times. The reality wasn't quite so sugar coated. Truth was in the end we tore each other down.
At 35, I am different and I want more. Some will call me selfish. But wanting to be happy isn't a selfish desire! I admit to my mistakes in the marriage, I set up a pattern that was only doomed to fail and eventually we were too far gone to fix it. We were too far gone to fix it.
I know the path I'm choosing will be rough. Trust me that seems to be the resounding input I get. (Why people feel the need to add more drama to an already dramatic situation with, "This is only going to get worse" is fucking beyond me.) I know the direction my life is headed based on my choices, but I also know it can get better. It will be better. I'm choosing to make it better.

Friday Funnies

2011-09-16T13:29:00.002-07:00

Let....me....out!!

As some might say
"On a related note..."

Faces of Joy

2011-09-14T06:49:00.000-07:00

(previously known as Wordless Wednesday has now been turned into Faces of Joy. Sometimes you need to witness the look of joy on the faces of those around you)

Photographing Fish

2011-09-11T20:36:00.000-07:00

I'm all about sharing information with my faithful blog followers.

(And those of you who meandered here without knowing how or why.)

During jury duty one of the fellow members took a fishing trip.

He caught what could be considered decent size fish.

As the 15 of sat reviewing the pictures of his fish

(after too many hours examining evidence)

we realized his fish may not be as big as he claimed it was.

It was all about the placement of the fish within the photo.

Below I've created a two picture editorial to further prove this point.

(By the way, we're still in deliberation regarding the size of his fish.)
Click on the photo for the details.

Curse of the Big Boy Bed

2011-09-01T06:32:00.000-07:00

7:30 "Goodnight boys, I love you." I close the door to their room behind me.

Bedroom door opens.
7:32 B: "Mama, I have to pee."
Me: "You just went three minutes ago, go back to bed."

Bedroom door opens.
7:34 B: "Mama, I had a bad dream."
Me: "You haven't even fallen asleep, go to bed."

Bedroom door opens.
7:36 B: (pointing to his head) "Mama, my feelings hurt."
Me: (incredulous) "Your feelings hurt? How did you hurt your feelings?"
B: (looking for any excuse to stay up, like a long story) "Well, I think Papa did it."
Me: "Papa? How did he hurt your feelings?"
B: "Well when he takes his blood out it hurts his feelings. Today I took my blood out and it hurt my feelings." (Note to CPS: Papa is on dialysis, we don't instruct our kids about removing blood normally)
Me: "Ok. Do you need me to rub your head, er...feelings, will that help?"
B: "No fanks. My feelings don't hurt over here (right side) or over here (left side) only here (points to the top of his head).
Me: "Okay well time for bed. Goodnight."

7:38 B: "Mama, I'm firsty."
Me: Mumbling and heading towards the stairs, B ran back to his room and shut the door quickly.

Problem solved....at least for a few minutes.

Long, long ago.....

2011-08-26T08:29:00.000-07:00

Last August N started reading the Harry Potter series. It started with me reading to him at night. I thought he would enjoy the story and I had agreed to read the series in a bet. So I thought N and I would do this together. It didn't take long before N was tired of three or four pages at night and wanted to continue reading in bed. Soon he was too far ahead of me. He carried on......

12 months, 7 books and too many pages to count - he finished the final book! I'm amazed and inspired! He is such an incredible kid. Last night he looked around for something to read. His other books didn't hold the same appeal and he picked up the first Harry Potter book to start all over.

Amazing!!!!

Side note: I admittedly never finished the series. I never made it past the second book. I honestly tried. Our bet was I read Harry Potter and he read Twilight. Which by the way there is a huge page number difference between the two. Besides the fact there are 7 Harry books and only 3 Twilight books. Needless to say, I owe you dinner, at the least. You win.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-08-24T08:43:00.003-07:00

It's good to be prepared in case you eventually do get off the couch.

Big Preschool Days

2011-08-23T07:41:00.000-07:00

B was all smiles when I picked him up from Preschool today. Thank you God!!!

Me: "B, what was your favorite thing you did in school today?"
B: "Pray."
(confusion sets in)
Me: "You mean play, like with toys or on the playground?"
B: No when we put our hands together and closed our eyes."

I almost drove off the road!!
Keep in mind people, this child has never actually entered a church, mostly for our own sanity of not having to "shhh" him the whole time. You can safely assume we haven't been much of a praying family either so the fact that his favorite thing to do was pray, leaves me....speechless.

Infection by B

2011-08-22T08:36:00.001-07:00

Last Friday my three and half year old B and I went to meet the teacher at preschool. With my arms loaded with all his school supplies we gathered with all the other parents and their cameras in hand.

I left my camera at home. Thus the second child "you never took pictures of me" begins.

All the parents (and some four and five deep per kid) gathered in the tiny room. I beelined to the cars sensing pending tears. B's bottom lip was beginning to roll out. I can't blame him. The room was loud and crowded. Someone needs to rethink this strategy. Just saying.

We sat down and I tried to distract him with diggers and dump trucks. A little girl made her way over to us and sat down suddenly interested in pilfering through the cars we were playing with. She reached over and stole the dump truck from B. He looked at me, startled, waiting for me to yell at this girl for taking his car. I smiled and reminded him we always have to share. (And maybe cut in front of her in line on the way to the playground, a thirty second delay to the toys was fair payback) The bottom lip rolled back out.

His wonderful teacher announced that the parents would be going to another room for a boring meeting and the kids would be staying to play. Doom!

The bottom lip rolled further out, chin trembled and the tears began. "Mama I don't want to stay here. I want to go with you." The volume increased. "B, it's just a boring adult meeting where people will be talking, no toys in there." "Mama, I dont want to stay here!"

I realized his cries were getting louder and like a fog rolling...his cries rolled out across the classroom. One by one my B started the tears of five other kids. Crying erupted throughout the room and our sweet preschool teacher looked like she might just duck out the door as well. Is it terrible that I was working hard not to laugh and had a moment of beaming pride. My kid started this. (Of course, Karma loving me like he does I'm sure in about 15 years I'll be regretting this moment.)

So today.....is the official first day. B woke up and announced he was not going to school. Thankfully I'm really good at tuning things out. I think my parents called it selective listening.

Say a prayer for us.....

Don't be fooled by that smile......isn't he cute though!

Wordless Wednesday

2011-08-17T06:07:00.001-07:00

My Cousins 1981 - 1982

My Cousins 2011

All Grown Up!

2nd Grade

2011-08-15T09:14:00.003-07:00

Big day in our house today!

N started second grade today. First day at a new school. He did remarkable, only one small moment of tears. It helps that he has a friend from his old school right by his side.
So proud of him!

Years ago......

2011-08-10T21:08:00.000-07:00

My cousin is dying.

She lays in a bed...her body in pain. Her mind crippled by the tumors quickly spreading through the channels of her mind.

What a life she has lead. When I think about her, this is what I think about.

Years ago she experienced pain and overcame it.

Years ago she aspired for more education and seized it.

Years ago she desired to have her own patients and achieved it.

Years ago she wanted to love and received it.

Now she wants peace and soon she'll discover it.

I love you Stacey.

Frogs

2011-08-08T09:34:00.002-07:00

In case you've ever wondered....this is what it's like to sleep with frogs.

Apparently it's a genetic trait passed on by myself to both of my boys.

Good thing I have a king size bed.

Overheard....

2011-08-05T10:19:00.006-07:00

The boys were showing our cat to their cousin

who came over to swim today.

N: "This is our cat Sam, she's as old as my brother B,

but she's not as annoying as B is."

Withdrawal

2011-08-01T15:50:00.001-07:00

It's bad people. (shiver, shake)

Really bad. (twitch, shiver)

They say the first step is acceptance. (twitch)

My name is Kellie and I am in full blown Book Withdrawal. (shake, twitch)

I finished a book yesterday. (shakes uncontrollably) I have nothing to start.

Which isn't really the truth, I have a list of books to read. Yes, a list. I sat down one day and made a list of books I wanted to read over the next few months with my awesome friend Jen. Yes, I am that much of a book geek apparently!! (twitch, shake)

Jen is finishing a book I read last week (twitch, twitch) and while I wait....I'm in withdrawal.

Scrabble and Word Search on my Kindle aren't cutting it either. (shiver, shake)

I spent some time (three hours) on Amazon looking for new books. I even (shudder) downloaded a free book that will be terrible, no doubt. It's not what I normally read but right now I just need some black and white pages starring back at me. (twitch, drool) Needless to say I can't even tell you what the title is because when you are in book withdrawal you'll read anything...and I mean ANYTHING!

Anyone know what the next step is....? I accepted this as my fate, but what's next? I even had a moment today when I considered starting Twilight again. (twitch)

Someone send ideas....quick. (shake, drool)

That time of year...

2011-07-31T20:15:00.001-07:00

I was finally able to download the School Supply List for N yesterday. Today I perused it while I ate my lunch.

Kindergarten: 4 Glue sticks, 2 pencils, 1 box of 16 crayons. (Pretty simple really.)

First Grade: "Some" pencils, 1 clean sock, 1 lg container of hand sanitizer, disinfectant wipes and Ziploc bags, cough drops. (Those first graders must be gross little kids! Cough drops...really?)

2nd Grade: 15 items! Damn busy school kids. Half of the list I don't know what they are talking about. There must be 8 different "folders" required.
24 Box Crayola (they must need more colors than those Kinder kids.)
1 Dozen pencils. (Has anyone ever used a pencil down to the nub...in a year? Yet these kids need 12? Where they hell are they sticking these pencils?)
1 Glue Bottle. (The entire school Kinder through 4th grade gets glue sticks except the 2nd graders?)

Third Graders: "Some" pencils. (Guess they stop writing as much in third grade.)
1 Red pen. (Are they grading their own work in 3rd grade?)

Fourth Grade: 4 Dozen pencils. (Holy crap! Maybe the Third graders should be nice to the Fourth graders - just in case they need a pencil at some point)
4 boxes of Kleenex. (Do 4th graders sneeze more than 1st graders?)

It seems so bizarre to me the things that teachers add to the lists nowadays. I get there is no money and I'm happy to contribute, but cough drops? Disinfecting wipes? I suspect with the way teachers salaries are going we might soon just see grocery lists. "Bread, milk, pencils, ream of paper, toilet paper"

Here's the kicker. I will go to the store, spend my money and buy these supplies and in one month the emails will start going home about items they need in the classroom. You know things like pencils, damn glue bottles, crayons. Where the hell does 12 pencils go in a month? I subscribe more to the "Can I just get a damn gift card to Staples for you and you go get what you need throughout the year" kinda gal.

This brings me to my annual re posting of my absolute favorite blog post. I know y'all remember it...feel free to stop back by and read it. It's worth the laugh.
Praying to Darwin - A Letter to my Child's Teacher - Whom I Suspect is a Sadist - click here.

Enjoy school shopping people.

Fishing Report

2011-07-27T17:16:00.000-07:00

Hi this is N!

I am seven years old and I'm taking over my Mom's blog today to give you the fishing report from the lakes around my Grandparents cabin. I fished three days in a row!!!

Check out the fish I caught below.

This is a Perch. I caught one of these using a worm.

This is a bass and I used a worm and I caught one of these.

This is a Blue Gill and I caught 2 of them with worms.

This is a catfish and I caught 9 of them!!

Five with ONE worm, and four with other worms.

I went to O'dell Lake and Kaibab lake. Kaibab was my favorite because I caught Bass and Blue Gills there. I did touch a fish and it felt wet and scaly. Grandpa had to take the hooks out of the mouths of the fish. One fish I caught by snagging the hook in his side. When I saw that I thought, "How did I do that?"

Grandpa and I made a bet that every fish I caught he had to give me $1 and every fish he caught I had to give him a $1. He had caught five fish and I caught 3 catfish that day. But I had no money to give him.

I better go, Mom is coming.

Karma Kicking In...again!

2011-07-21T08:28:00.004-07:00

I guess I shouldn't really be surprised. In all the ways that Karma likes to stick it to me, one more thing should just be par for the course...right?

There's been a bit of stress in my world lately. Feeling like I was suffocating I started taking off for the mall. I could plug my ipod in and let the world fall away while the music blares in my ears, walk as fast as I can till my muscles burn and get one hour uninterrupted to myself.

So after three days of doing this...I was starting to feel better. I was becoming happier, less stressed out. Did I walk the stress away - oh hell to the no. I am, however, not feeling the drain of the emotions. The hour gave me time to clear my head. Who knew? Not me, because I swore up and down that the so called "exercise high" people talked about was a lie. Okay...I'm clearly lost on a tangent. Sorry people.

Focus!

Where was I? Oh yeah Karma.

So it seems fitting at the end of the day it was f'ing EXERCISE that is making me feel better.

Curse you Karma! Curse you!!

Wordless Wednesday

2011-07-20T07:27:00.000-07:00

Summertime Rocks!

Lessons From The Day......

2011-07-18T20:00:00.001-07:00

Lessons from the day...Monday!

Bathing suit tops are NOT handles! Thank god no one else was at the pool.....

B's "bones are too old" to go up the steps, he has to be lifted out of the water.

It's best to take off your underwear before you put on your bathing suit.
B and chapstick should never be left alone. Apparently it takes a little while for some of these lessons to sink in. You remember the last chapstick incident right? If not, click here.

Tuesday promises to be just as eventful.

One More Point For The Ladies

2011-07-13T18:06:00.005-07:00

Meet my cousin.

He's kind of conservative. His ideas on women's rights and their place in a home are...well, gross. Mostly he calls me a Man-Hater. Which if you know me well enough, or have been a reader here long enough...I respond with a big 'ole eye roll and a laugh. Although his ideas are often archaic and Neanderthal, he makes me laugh because he thinks he's right. You've got to love the fool, right?

Today we chatted on Facebook. We were discussing women's ability to "train" their men. Of course he took the "Con" side and I "Pro'd" my way through his comments. Until this lovely part of the conversation.

Score one for the ladies!

(Up until these point he vehemently denied being trainable.)

My Cousin: "Strong males can figure out many ways to kill the cat. (30 second delay)

skin a cat, whatever..."

Me: Did your wife just correct you?

My Cousin: ...yes, she did.

Me: That's proof you've been trained!!!

Things Are-A Changing

2011-07-10T17:13:00.001-07:00

Tonight I asked B to make dinner. Yes I know he's a three.
"I can't make dinner. Boys don't know how to make dinner."

Our summer plans just changed. From now on the boys are getting a lesson in laundry and cooking. Starting tonight!

Lesson Number 1: I let B pull the $20 from my purse to give to the delivery guy.

Gotta start somewhere, right?

Tomorrow - Eggs Benedict.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-07-07T14:44:00.000-07:00

B dressed himself. Yes his shirt AND shorts are on backwards. I don't even care, in fact I left him like that. He didn't care either. Keep in mind this is the kid who wears a pink tutu and plays with matchbox cars. He makes it fashionably cute.

Grand Jury Duty is Over

2011-06-28T08:23:00.004-07:00

If you've missed any of the previous Jury Duty posts

click Here and Here and Here and Here and Here.

Four months later....

I am a different person walking out of Grand Jury than I was walking in.

Some good, some great, some bad.

I used to tease my friend about her happily living in the "Land of Denial" like a fool, I thought I was more grounded in reality. I was wrong, again.

(Damn you Karma.)

Turns out I happily live next door to her, clueless as to what really happens around us.

I will never hear "Just Two" and not think about the endless stream of jokers pretending not to be drunk while unable to stand up, or hell stay awake.

I have a bigger appreciation for the work the Police Officers and Detectives do.

I'll never understand how the Detectives who work in the Crimes Against Kids Division aren't tempted to use their guns more often.

Jury of your peers, is exactly that. It's not always the well dressed, work 40 hours a week, pay your bills on time, responsible people - it encompasses everyone. Including that elusive "Crystal" who manages to get away every time. Including that guy who plotted the death of a another man.

That is reason enough to stay out of trouble and on this side of the law.

So...four months later...

I am grateful and ever changed!

It was an incredible experience I wouldn't change for anything.

The Butcher, The Professor, The Padre, Sparkle, Classified, CC 1 and 2, Superman, The Baker, Newbie, Hog, #2, The Big Kahuna, The TRUE Bill and The Postman - Thank you!!!

- The Button

The Beating Heart

2011-06-16T21:06:00.000-07:00

Tonight I went back to tuck in B, who reportedly couldn't sleep. He asked if I could turn his giraffe on. The giraffe plays sounds to help soothe and sleep. His favorite is the heartbeat.

"Mama, can you turn on the heartbeat?"
"Sure baby."
"I like that one. 'Cuz when you have a baby in your belly it makes your heart start beating."

How right he is!

Wordless Wednesday

2011-06-15T05:38:00.002-07:00

Parenting Moments You NEVER Forget

2011-06-09T18:08:00.000-07:00

Potty Training in Public

I'm sure had I received the Parenting Handbook there would have been a chapter on potty training in public. A warning maybe? Nope, instead as parents we walk into it blinded by the excitement to end the diapers.

1. "Mama, I'm a boy why do I have to go in the gwirls potty?"
2. "Mama does she (pointing to others in the bathroom) have to go pee pee or poo poo?"
3. "Does she get a new Dinosaur Monster truck if she goes poo poo too?"
4. "She won't buy mine, will she?"
4. "Hello Lady? I can see your shoes, can you see my shoes?"
Giggling erupts.
5. "Look my pee pee is yellow."
6. "Lady is your pee pee yellow?"
7. "Are you wiping my boys too?"
8. "Are you going pee pee Mama?"
9. "Do you want a new monster truck too if you go poo poo?"
By now there is laughter coming from the other stalls.
10. "Did you wipe your boys Mama?"
Now I'm laughing...hard!

Gifts for HERSELF

2011-06-07T19:54:00.001-07:00

Father's Day is coming.
If you are a regular reader here you know gifts are a bit touchy in these parts of the woods.

It got me thinking though.

What can I give Mike for Father's Day that really will benefit me instead.
Just in case you are unfamiliar with Mike's gift giving history - see here and here.

If I stick with his most recent gift ideas....movies
I could get
- Eclipse. It is about vampires, what man doesn't love a good vampire movie?
- Sex in the City part 2, look at that title SEX in a City, what man wouldn't want sex in a city, right?
- Black Swan - c'mon it's girl on girl action and ballet music...totally says Father's Day

okay skip the movie ideas...what else....

- Gift Certificate for Kindle books, that way I'll get more books (what? he doesn't even have a Kindle) and leave him alone to go read. It's a win/win for everyone.
- posters of half naked men, you know to go next to the Spice Girls dolls he got me for Christmas.
- pedicure gift certificate - you know he won't ever use it, so I'll be force to use so we don't waste the money. Ladies - you like where I'm going here don't you?

more great fathers Day gift ideas...
- Laundry detergent and a Five Step "How To Do Laundry Guide"
- "Wiping Down The Counter In Five East Steps" Guide
I'm starting to think he might appreciate the traditional Father's Day tie or think differently next year at Christmas.
Any other ideas out there?

Summer is here!

2011-06-05T08:09:00.002-07:00

Baby Gifts

2011-06-03T05:15:00.002-07:00

"Good morning B!"
"Mor'ing Mama. I pooped."
"It's okay, you have a diaper on. You pooped in your diaper, right?"
"No. I pooped in my bed."

This is how I started my yesterday today. Then I carried my literally shitty kid to my shower so I could clean him up. Only pressured water and soap was going to make this happen. It wasn't till I went back to grab a bag I realized he had "dripped" the entire way from his room to mine.

Thus my morning continued.

I think I may have mentioned this before but it needs repeating.

If you know someone who is expecting and aren't sure what to get the parents to be here is the perfect gift......a steam cleaner!

Trust me one day they will thank you...and thank you and thank you!!!

Wordless Wednesday

2011-06-01T17:47:00.000-07:00

Do you remember that song from Sesame Street

"One of these things is not like the others,

One of these things just doesn't belong,

Can you tell which thing is not like the others

By the time I finish my song?"

Boys and their...ugh....

2011-05-30T10:30:00.000-07:00

Last month(s):
"B, don't you want to wear big boy underwear? You will be such a big boy!!"

This week:
"B!! Get your hands out of your underwear!!!"

More Lessons from Grand Jury

2011-05-27T17:20:00.000-07:00

Three months down and one more month to go of my Grand Jury service. What a ride!!

The first day we met one of the County Attorney's told us when we are done many of us would ask if we could do it again. You know me....I scoffed, with my typical eye roll. I aim to please people. And because Karma thinks I'm cute and likes to toy with me....I was of course wrong. We have nine more days left to meet and when those nine days are done I am going to miss the people I served with and well lets be honest, I'm going to miss the entertainment.

Here are a few lessons from recent days.....

1. It's apparently possible for a person to walk into a knife...nine times!
2. It cost less than you think to try to have someone murdered. Any guesses how much?
3. Never bring a gun to a spitting match.
4. Collecting a year old debt ($20) by bringing a shotgun is probably going to cost you ALOT more.
5. That elusive "Crystal" waiting outside - her last name is probably Meth.
6. Crying after the fact has no bearing on your case decision.

Obsess Much?

2011-05-24T21:49:00.000-07:00

Today when I drove the boys to Papa's house we saw a K-9 unit police vehicle. I told B what it was and answered a few questions and we went about our day. Or so I thought....

When I picked the boys up B started in.

"Can you call me K-9 Unit Man?"
"This is my K-9 Unit dog."
"The K-9 Unit man needs a flashlight to fight the bad guys."
"Wanna Hear my K-9 Unit Man song?"
"K-9 Unit Man, ohhh, K-9 Unit Man, yeah, yeah!" (over and over)
"I'm going to wear my K-9 Unit Man jacket to Chili's"
"Are these my K-9 Man Unit boots?"
"My K-9 Unit Dog loves to fight the bad guys."
"My name is is only K-9 Unit Man!"

....all night long!!!

(Yes we are aware his K-9 Unit Man jacket looks vaguely like a fireman's jacket. His fireman obsession was last week.)

Author Pet Peeves

2011-05-23T20:05:00.000-07:00

I've read...well, lets just say quite a few novels in the last year and a half. Every time I come across this in a book I groan, roll my eyes and curse at the author.

"Hey."
"Hey yourself."

Sweet Jesus this kills me. This has got to be the worst line in a book. Here you take a simple moment between two characters. In a few words you could give it such heat or anger or any emotion really. You could catch a glimpse of insight from either character.

And yet time and time again authors resort back to....

"Hey"
"Hey yourself."

(groan)

Do you have a book pet peeve?

Harboring An Illegal

2011-05-18T19:51:00.001-07:00

For over a year....I have been harboring a criminal.

Well not really a criminal, but an illegal. Yes, that's more correct.

Tomorrow my crime will be exposed. Fitting since I'm on the grand jury. Maybe the people I sit with twice a week will go easy on me when they vote on my crimes.

The illegal....Samantha Jones

I'm not supposed to have a pet, or more to the point I am supposed to have paid a pet deposit and monthly pet rent. (Small rant: pet rent - really? Are you f'ing kidding me?!) The irony is that I used to be the worst stickler about pets and breaking the Rental Rules. Man, I used to be mean. Now I'm the offender. (Stacia, Chey, Allison - I can hear you laughing!)

Tomorrow they are doing a "yearly inspection". I'm screwed. Those of us that have worked in this industry know this is code for checking on a suspicion. I can't be sure that my cat is the culprit, but I don't see this ending well either.

The last apartment I helped initiate an "inspection" on had wall to wall aquariums filled with box turtles. The a/c vents were taken down and ramps were built so the turtles could crawl freely from end to end of the apartment. It was by far the most bizarre and disgustingly gross apartment I'd ever seen. Good ole Turtle Dan!

I'm holding out hope that someone else brought this inspection on. I will be leaving out fresh baked brownies, cookies and a bottle of jack daniel's....just in case.

The Should's

2011-05-17T07:06:00.002-07:00

I called a friend tonight and asked, "Is it a requirement to be an alcoholic to be a parent?" My best friend has been telling me about the parenting stages for years. She's a few years ahead of me and has some experience. Per her, I'm in the "survive by alcohol stage".

At the end of the day, I'm tired. Seven year old humor isn't nearly as funny at 6:30pm as it is 9am. Truthfully, even at 9am it isn't totally funny. The fact that my three year old is still in a diaper when I have no time to potty train him is crushing. My three year old won't eat and seven year old flies off in tears at the slightest nudge toward an argument. If I hear my three year old ask again what the 6 said to the 8 (which by the way are the wrong numbers) I may lose my bloody mind.

Tonight I yelled at my kids to behave. I didn't feel guilty for yelling, no that felt justified. I felt guilty because I shouldn't be yelling at my kids, I should be appreciating every argument. I think about all the blogs I've been reading. The blogs filled with mothers who adore their children and never seem to find wrong. Everyday they write about the wonderfulness of each and every thing their precious children bestow on them. Even after reading a blog about a mother who recently buried her son, I have trouble finding that place of appreciation I should be at. I feel guilty because here my son stands in front of me and I can't feel the unconditional love when all I can see is the anger and feel the daunting exhaustion.

SHOULD, but I don't. I weigh myself down with things I should be doing, saying, feeling...but I'm not. Truthfully, I get angry and sometimes I yell at my kids. Some days they drive me crazy. Some days they argue and torment each other until black dots swarm in my eye sight. It's like a slow painful wax job on the most sensitive part of your body. One hair at a time being pulled out.....all day long!!!

Then one brief moment they say something funny or do something sweet and I feel like I can get air in my lungs again. I like those moments. I feel a little better, a little more whole. I try to hold onto that moment because I know just around the corner it's about to go away.

(sigh)

By the way, I like my wine chilled.

Conversations w/a 3year old

2011-05-16T19:06:00.000-07:00

While driving to day care this morning....

B: I can smell bees making honey.

Husband: What does that smell like?

B: Peppermint!

Why I Like the Boys Better Than Girls

2011-05-11T15:47:00.000-07:00

A few months back my Mom gave me my baby book. In two separate locations she noted that I was an "eyelash batterer". I love that. I think it sums me up pretty perfectly. I was always better friends with the boys in school. It was easier to be friends with the boys. There were no hidden agenda's, no expectations. Well there were always some boys who hoped I'd flash a little cleavage. Even that I can understand and even appreciate.

But women are completely different.

For some reason you throw some estrogen into the mix and all sense of balance and normalcy go out the window. Their actions are based solely on opinions and emotions. Yes, I know I am a woman and the irony is not lost on me. However, I don't believe I could ever be as catty and mean as some women can be. We've all seen the reality shows on TV right?

Why do women do this? Today a women made a rude comment to my face about a dress I was wearing. I tried to justify her comment from any angle I could. Hoping to give her the benefit of doubt. No, she was just rude. She's unhappy and mean spirited. Yes, at 35, I know her comments say more about her than me. (Thank you Mom for that lesson.) I'm not angry at her. Mostly, appalled that at her age she is still playing the elementary school game. I'm only upset that, like usual, I didn't have a comment ready. Maybe that would have made me catty as well though. Maybe it's better I didn't say something.

Considering all the games people play I'll take a man looking at my cleavage over a catty woman any day!

He Sneaks In Another Gift...for himself.

2011-05-09T21:11:00.000-07:00

I spent the whole blessed day between my bed and my computer. It was beautiful. I read a little, wrote a little and then read even more. The boys brought me breakfast in bed and then joined in the fun. Then my husband rushed them out of the house and I was gloriously by myself for hours. Yes...hours!
It was perfect I enjoyed the hugs and kisses all morning and then got to kick them to the curb as soon as the fighting and yelling began. I didn't have to deal with it all. Thank goodness my husband is already bald because my 10:35am he was ready to pull his hair out.

Which made my day even more enjoyable.

Just to keep y'all updated on Mike's gift giving efforts. I know you ladies love this stuff. I swear he does it now for blog time. He choose wonderful cards this year, alarm clock for my nano and.....(drum roll please) the Star Trek TV series on DVD. (eye roll) He claims I once mentioned I liked the show. I may have said I liked AN episode and he got a little excited and bought the whole series. The man never gives up - but again he will enjoy the gifts he's given.

There must be a Jedi mind trick in here somewhere for Father's Day.

Piano Recital

2011-05-07T15:04:00.011-07:00

N's first piano recital.
This is his solo piece, he nailed it!

This is N's and my Sister In Laws duet. They did a GREAT job together!

This is M's solo piece.

Although I have teased and taunted my sister in law regarding the piano lessons she gave our son for Christmas this was a wonderful moment. Of course I will put her video on my blog, facebook and youtube like I promised, but I do it as a thankful and proud Mom. A great Mothers Day gift.

That's me? Of course it is....

2011-05-04T17:29:00.000-07:00

For Mother's Day I joined my son and his classmates and mothers for a special day today. All the Moms were taken out of the classroom and lined up in the hallway. In front of us, hung on the wall, were portraits of each of us done by our children....unsigned. Our job was to find the one our child did. We had five minutes to find our portrait. Four minutes and fifty seconds we all stumbled around. We worried we would pick the wrong one and create heartbreak. However, secretly praying a few "abstract" pictures weren't ours and desperately searching for some clue in the picture.

I did not pick my picture but I picked the one next to it. That counts right?

Do you think it looks like me?

Write...right!

2011-04-28T06:19:00.000-07:00

Twenty Four Thousand Eight Hundred and Twenty Six WORDS!

That's how far I've gotten on my book. That is a ton of words! On the right hand side of my blog I've created a word count update so I can keep myself motivated and keep those around me motivating me as well.

Go on, yell at me to write! I won't mind. I promise.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-04-27T06:18:00.002-07:00

Ugly Truths

2011-04-23T20:23:00.000-07:00

I have a seven year old and a three year old. I know we are quickly approaching the time when my oldest will find out the truth about Santa and the Easter Bunny. Although, there is another truth I worry about more.

I have vague memories about finding out the truth about Santa. I remember asking my Mom why the big guy didn't specifically bring my parents a gift. I know now it was truly a moment of staying up too late to wrap presents that when it came down to writing the names on the labels...it was missed. What child would notice, right? Wrapping paper, blinking lights, music, cookies...who would notice that To: Mom/Dad From: Santa was missing. I did. Which explains a lot about me. I'll have to forward this to my therapist. Soon as I find one.

In true Kellie-like fashion over the next year I figured out that the ole Easter Bunny wasn't real and I had serious doubts about the Tooth Fairy too. I tired to hold out as long as possible on that one. Money people...!

I know N will come home soon, some evil kid will find great glee in announcing it to the other unsuspecting kids. N will be heart broken. I know this for a fact. He is much sharper than his Mother so it will take him less time to realize that the other guys are pretend as well. Like a right of passage, his time will come. I'm sure there will be a blog post about it as well.

The truly scary realization will come much later. This is the one I dread. I suspect it might happen at a friends house. Maybe even one day at college when a lovely girl tries to impress him. He'll go over to her house, to watch documentaries or play chess (hey, it could happen!) and she'll have made cookies for him. Her home will be filled with the aroma of fresh baked cookies. What will throw him is the bags of flour and sugar and chocolate cookies on the counter top. He'll question her. She'll explain she made him cookies. He'll inquire more. She'll explain in detail about measuring and combining the dry and wet ingredients, forming balls of doughy deliciousness in her hands to put on he cookie tray and bake.

The light will go off.

My child will know. That "Baking Cookies" doesn't mean opening the package of premade cookie dough and baking them in the oven.

My Firefly

2011-04-21T07:17:00.000-07:00

The First Grade Performance last night was about Bugz, and N's class were fireflies.
N is the third one from the far left with the really bright white socks.
(His Mom must be a laundry superstar)

Just Two

2011-04-19T07:29:00.001-07:00

Two Defenses that WON'T work in the Grand Jury room -
1. The JTB Defense. For those of you unsure what the JTB defense is - go get a DUI and when the cop asks "How much have you had to drink tonight?" Ah...the standard answer is "Just Two Beers." This statement also makes the blood alcohol test and the sobriety test almost unnecessary. Every person who has given the standard "Just Two Beers" has blown at least a .20 blood alcohol and/or can't stand up straight. So saying "Just two beers" is basically admitting you're plastered....with the same consequences.

2. Telling the cops the reason you are driving is because you were too drunk to walk, isn't going to work.

Why Mothers Drink

2011-04-12T07:58:00.004-07:00

We are a family of four. The two youngest are boys, one in particular is a very busy boy. So as my brother and I started planning a family photo session, I started worrying. And worrying. Did I mention worrying?

Some of you may recall the ~~hell~~, I mean fun we had trying to get a Christmas card photo more than a year and half ago. (No coincidence we didn't try it last year.) With that event still painfully fresh in my mind, I tried to find a way to sip from a flask in between photos.

The easiest part was finding a location. That took four hours and lots of driving to check out parks. The day we did it we did nothing else but plan for the pictures. I ironed eveyone's shirts. Made sure the boys were napped and fed and as happy as it is possible for two brothers who are three years apart and spend their time liking one another to trying to kill each other the next minute. Oh joy...this was going to go well. I thought for sure that since it was brother and not some stranger photographer, it would help. Right?

Two and half hours of "B, look at the camera." "B, smile." "B, put your arms down." "B, look over here." "B, come here!" "N, quit making that face and smile." "M, you do not look like Edward from Twilight, knock it off." 448 photos were taken. We went home and I drank a wine cooler. It was done. There had to be some good photos in all of those, right?

68 photos. 68 out of 448 photos. Kids! Below are a few of the ~~bad~~ not usable photos. Please note the non usable photos were not because of my brother, he did an incredible job! I can't wait to show you some of the great ones. These aren't them, but they are coming!

This is why Mother's drink.

The Fish Saga Continues

2011-04-08T06:32:00.000-07:00

We've been getting algae in our fish tank lately, so the boys went to the pet store in search of an algae eater.

That night we dropped our new Mystery Blue snail into the tank.

He refused to come out of his shell. B said, "He's dead! Lets get another."
They collected the snail and promptly returned him.

The guy at the store insisted he needed a few more days to acclimate himself to our tank. So we dropped the snail back in the tank.

I'm beginning to think the pet store people are enjoying watching us kill their fish.

Young Love - oh my!

2011-04-05T20:27:00.001-07:00

In a list of important things, I always thought N rated girls about as high as celery. There but not note worthy. He has no interest in anything pink or Barbie related. In fact I tried for several months to convince him that the whole "Barbie" concept is a cover for the fact that she really is a spy for the government. Look people, I was desperate to play Barbie's...this was the only way I thought it might work. I am up to my eyeballs in Star Wars and Lego's. Needless to say, it didn't work. His brother, on the other hand wears a pink tutu, which mortifies N, but that's for another blog post.

When I pick N up from school the few details I get about his day, rarely involve girls. So today we began making plans for his upcoming birthday party. I asked him to start listing people he'd like to invite. My ears perked up at the fourth name listed...Emma! Emma from the first love blog post. Go click on that post if you don't remember. Yep, it's that Emma, with all the letters in her name.

So now I'm conflicted. She is the only girl he wants to invite. My girly heart beats wildly at how adorably cute this is. As a parent I worry what Emma's mother will say. Do I go with the flow and let him invite her even if she is the only girl? Do I make an exception and invite another girl to make her feel better? Do I talk to her Mom? Do I scrap the whole birthday plan at the idea that my little boy is growing up and wants to invite girls to his birthday party and starting planning how to lock him in a closet in hopes that he'll never grow up?

(sigh) What do I do?

Paybacks

2011-04-04T05:14:00.001-07:00

Payback is sweet.

If you remember back my brother and sister in law got my six year old piano lessons for Christmas. On the scale of gifts to give a kid, this one is ranked right under Drum Set. Everyday I listen to Bing..Bing..Bing. Okay to be fair, it's more like Ba-Bing...Ba-ding..Baba-ding. He's getting better.

My brother and sister in law thought they won. I sat back and waited for an opportunity for payback.

In May the piano students will have a recital. Each student has to play a solo piece and a duet.

N is doing his duet with his FAVORITE AUNT M!!

Oh...and I'm dragging everyone I know to the recital. I'm going to record it too.

Then I'll post that video on Facebook, my blog and then YouTube.

Score:
Uncle/Aunt - 1
Me - 75 (I think a point for every hit on the blog/youtube is reasonable.)

Parenting Stages

2011-04-03T14:13:00.000-07:00

Well it seems the diaper stage is ending in our house. Nearing an end is probably more accurate, I don't want to jinx myself.

Another stage in parenting. If you've potty trained a child you are familiar with this stage.

Mother: "Go potty before we leave."
Child: "I don't have to go"
Mother: sighs "Go anyway"
Child: "Ok."

Twenty minutes after you've left and are now parked on the freeway in rush hour traffic..."Mom, I have to go potty."

Or this..........

Child: "I have to go potty"
Mother: "We'll be at the store in 10 minutes, can you hold it?"
Child: "Yeah"

Two minutes and one mile lapse.

Child: "I have to go NOW."
Mother: sighs "Just go!"

My worst fear......

I have this reoccurring fear the I'll be pulled over during the potty training stage.

Cop: "License and Registration ma'am."
Me: Digging in my purse, unable to find anything in the abyss of the mom-purse. (cursing follows) Begin pulling things out in hopes of finding my driver license.
Cop: "Ma'am you want to tell me why you have little boys underwear and lollipops in your purse?"

Wordless Wednesday

2011-03-30T08:06:00.000-07:00

N conquering his fear. (B - not so much!)

B's first taste of cotton candy. Hook, line and sinker.

Family Photos

2011-03-28T16:19:00.000-07:00

About a month ago I asked my brother if he would take photos of my family this year. He agreed. (fool!) Keep in mind he has three dogs - no kids. You're laughing aren't you?

Well we got past bird hunting season and around all the most important birthdays of the year in February and finally we scheduled to meet this past weekend.

430 photos in two and half hours. He said a there are some keepers.

It's hard to get a three year old to sit and smile. Especially a curious very busy three year old.

This is not one of the photos taken, but one we took recently. At least he's smiling for the camera for this one...never mind he doesn't have arms. This is how most pictures of B turned out. The rest are of him staring off at everyone else at the park, instead of the camera.

I think my brother is considering keeping his day job after our photo shot. Pictures to come....I promise.

Some Things You Think You Don't Have to Explain...wrong!

2011-03-23T18:04:00.003-07:00

I got B out of the shower the other night. We were going through our regular lotion routine when he spied Mike's chapstick on his night stand.

B: Mama, I need chapstick. (smears chapstick all over his lips and an inch surrounding his lips)
B: Mama, you need some. (then proceeds to do the same to my lips)
B: I need some here too.

And I watch in horror as his hand aims the chapstick directly at his....manliness!

Me: SWEET JESUS WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!!!

and trust me no one wants his chapstick anymore!

Why man is seated at the right hand of the Father...

2011-03-20T21:11:00.000-07:00

Don't misconstrue this post. It has nothing to do with religion. Nope this is a post about why mankind is doomed to fail. I guess it is still a philosophical issue, but not nearly as deep as the question of a creator.

I am the guest blogger. The ever-loving husband whose devotion to wife and children is insurmountable except by TV, video games, intramural sports, work, a good book... you've probably heard many of the others. But I do love them! I swear!
No, the issue that passes before you is one of gender and self destructive behavior. How has the human race persisted? How have we not destroyed the evolutionary rung on this ladder? Please understand, there is still time for this species to cease to exist, but perhaps by better understanding ourselves, we can overt the inevitable just a bit longer.

Do you remember Kellie's blog about the Colgate Challenge? It's very much the contest that arises from the empty toilet paper roll, paper towel roll, dish soap, or any other rather simply solved matter that evolves out of control into a battle of wills. This time, I would not fall victim to Kellie's tenacity. When she doesn't want to change a toilet paper roll, it will sit on the spindle while three other perfectly good rolls unravel on the counter in the following days. The woman has staying power.

This time, though, it was the dwindling supply of tooth paste that drew our attention and lust for competition. About a week ago, I squeezed out the dying ends of the minty goodness, and Kellie had purchased a new tube and left to sit on the counter, taunting me. I would not open it. I noticed Kellie would not either. And so the squeezing began. Every day, twice a day (three times, if my denist reads this), I fought to get out a glob of paste. Every day I succeeded was a victory for men everywhere. Yet, still she sat, laughing at me as my face turned a funny shade of red from turn the toothpaste tube inside out to scrape its last offerings. My hands are stronger, my mind is keener, I have three more years of aged experience than she does. I was going to win! The war waged on.

Last night, as I celebrate my hard won bounty from the tube, I again noticed Kellie looking pleased rather than aggrevated. I had just the day before acused her of hiding a travel sized tube somewhere, but she adamantly denied this. Why is she not struggling with the idea of brushing her teeth ever again? I decided I would clear our counter space to put the withered husk of oral hygiene center stage. I grabbed the replacement that I had intentionally left out so that she would long for the easy squeeze. But what to my wondering eyes should appear? CHEATER PROOF!!!

The box had been opened. I slid out what should have been a smooth unrippling form of packaging perfection, and I found deep pressed proof that women can't be trusted. I don't know what is more disheartening, that she got away with it for about a week without me noticing or that she would stoop to such a level. The Jedi have nothing on Estrogen Mind Tricks.

The Colgate Comeptition

2011-03-18T04:56:00.001-07:00

The Colgate Competition!

We have a competition going on between my husband and I.

The Goal: The person unable to get anymore toothpaste from the old tube has to open the new box. The new box is right on the other side of the counter, not hidden or diffuclt to find.

Each morning and night we stretch, poke and try to force out the last of the toothpaste from the tube. Last night my husband shoved his tooth brush in my face to announce his success while doing his happy dance.

This morning and I had to press the tube against the faucet for leverage just to get enough out. Success!

I tried to use extra, just to make it harder on him. (insert evil laugh) I've been trained by the Jedi Mind Trick Master, I've totally got this in the bag. We're on day 6.

This is just more examples on how we made it to 12 years of wedded bliss.

Do you do things like this with your main squeeze?

Magically Delicious

2011-03-17T08:22:00.000-07:00

Delaney Quinn O'Callaghan snuck in our house last night. He's a wee little leprechaun. He left three rules to be followed or a curse would leave our skin green until next St. Patricks Day.

1. Must wear green

2. Everything you eat must be green

3. Pinch those who don't wear green

Magically our pancakes, milk and scrambled eggs all turned green!

He left shamrocks everywhere.

He even turned the cats water green. Amazing!

When You Know Its Good

2011-03-14T01:12:00.003-07:00

I've read 125 books in the last year. Probably two thirds of those I've re-read several times. I've found many new authors I didn't know existed. Some books I've enjoyed. Some books I spent the time making corrections, quietly demanding better stories. Some books I loved! Of all those books three really stand out in my memory.

One of the authors I found is Marie Sullivan Force. She writes just like I do. She starts at the beginning with an idea and goes from there, wherever it may lead her. I love that. I've read each of the stories she's written. I finished another book last night at one am.

I laid in bed afterwards, filled with emotions. It's funny because I hesitated even reading this book. Kindle kept recommending it and I kept putting it off. After reading all her other books I decided I'd give it a try. I poured through the words. I fell in love with the characters. I cried at the losses and my body actually ached during the heartaches. The story ended and I was filled with so many emotions. I began writing the author a letter:

Dear Marie -
The Fall. You had me from the beginning. I admit I was hesitant, but quickly I got sucked in. I loved the story and the people but the ending left me...with a million questions for you. Why was she so willing? Why would he suddenly be ready? All this build up and emotion and I supported it all, completely. Then in a page or two - all undone. I was angry at Caroline, if I was her friend I'd have called her ass out on her weaknesses. I was more angry at Ted, I've never ended a book mad at the main character. How dare he expect he can walk back in. ... Yet, I still loved the book.

The letter kept going in my mind. I had become so vested in this story that I forgot it was just a story.

I realized, my friends, that that is what makes her an excellent writer!!
I hope to have that ability someday.

Interested in her books? Click here for her website. Marie Sullivan Force

Differences Between Men & Women

2011-03-13T14:37:00.003-07:00

Wife: I've been thinking about this a lot over the last few weeks. I have to tell you, honey, that a few weeks ago when you went home to pack up extra clothes for the kids so we could take them to go see the snow, you did a great job. I couldn't believe you packed everything we needed and I didn't have to tell you what to get and you didn't ask.

Husband: Really? I had no idea that was such a huge moment in our relationship. I thought I was just putting crap in bags.

This is why we are still married after 12 years.

Happy Anniversary baby!

Jury Duty Lessons #1 and 2

2011-03-10T08:37:00.007-07:00

1. First off, I learned that I'm not supposed to be telling people I'm in Jury Duty. Not sure how that supposed to work.
   Husband: What did you do today?
   Me: Not Jury Duty!
   Husband: Ugh...okay.

   Boss: Can you come into work today?
   Me: Nope.
   Boss: But we really need help.Why?
   Me: Not because I'm in jury duty that's for sure.
Seeing as this could get awkward I've made an executive decisions and decided you can tell people you have been selected to serve on jury duty if you don't say for which city or court and I know you aren't allowed to talk about the cases. So I am officially not talking about cases. Don't even ask people!

2. I learned that no matter what you think a "jury of your peers" is not always the best option.
I watched them select 76 people and then over the next three hours weed out 50 people. Fifty people who were "unable or unfit" to serve. That's over 60% of random peers that, trust me when I say this, you do not want sitting in your jury! I listened to every ridiculous lie and tale come out of their mouths in order to their duties. These people are deciding your future. Your future! The person who has to take a pill in order to fix her migraine, a pill that works in five minutes. Her words. I'd like to know what pill works in five minutes and I'm sure a few drug companies would like to know that as well. The man who requires "meds" and if he doesn't have them accessible he gets dizzy/shaky/sick. The judge asked what he did for a living, "Drive a cab!" Great, so he's not making decisions for people - he's just driving them around. (These same people vote, but that's for another blog post.)

I have a new appreciation for the judges. Okay, admittedly a few weeks ago I wrote a post about loathing jury duty. Guilty! (Ha - jury duty humor) After watching the judge listen to long winded, totally inappropriate information and I'm sure he knew were blatant lies he didn't seemed frustrated or upset. This may be why I am not a judge, because after three hours I would have stood my black-robed self up and let a few choice thoughts fly. Okay, to be fair I never went to law school which would also be why I'm not a judge. Besides all that, the judge in that robe with all that power was...well kind of hot. Not in a half naked "judge of the month" calendar type but in a....I probably shouldn't answer that since my parents read this blog.

2(i). I agree with a friend who was bummed because as an attorney he doesn't get picked for jury duty. I'm just thinking that if I ever go before a jury I think I want nine attorneys starring back at me.  It's going to go one of two ways. A-They agree there is "reasonable doubt" because any attorney worth his weight can find some shred of doubt or B-if they don't get off they likely have a future client.

So I vote we all agree to change jury duty to attorneys...and only attorneys. All in favor...say "i"

Wordless Wednesday

2011-03-09T06:34:00.000-07:00

Wallflowers Are Not Strong Willed - lesson #36

2011-03-04T09:23:00.001-07:00

I had every intention of walking into jury duty yesterday and loudly proclaiming that under no circumstances would I be staying.

They called my name at 9:30 and I practiced my speech. I was ready. I would not be the wallflower I would stand tall and demand they let me go.

I walked into the courtroom and I'm sure the judge could see the stars in my eyes. A goner! I was so fascinated and excited it was all I could to not offer to help the court reporter.

I'm such a sucker. I was worried if he confronted me on my reasons for excuse I'd cave. I didn't even give him the opportunity. I caved long before.

Damn that judicial system. Damn that black robe and cute little courtroom.