(or the other things the Divorce Books don't tell you about.)
So this week we've learned that I am a reader. When I need an answer I scour the Internet, interrogate all my friends and read any book I can get my hands on. This is the second time this week, the books have left me empty handed.
There's a side to Divorce they don't cover in the books. Neither pro nor con, just a subject left untouched by the How To Divorce books. Leave it to me to open the door and bring it all out in the open.
1.This started very early on in the process. Naturally tongue tied, a genetic trait passed on by my Mother and Aunt who are forever calling out the wrong child names, I too have become confused in my ripe old age of 36. After the separation though my biggest hurdle was PRONOUNS. Now I must confess I've attempted to write this blog before, starting with a definition of a pronoun and was immediately more confused than I started off. So I scratched that idea. I'll try this again. Every pronoun I was once used to, has now changed. For nearly 13 years all the pronouns remained the same. It was OUR kids and OUR home and OUR cat. Now it's MY kids, MY home, HIS cat (he he he). It's like having a kid and when they turn 12 change their name! See how quickly you can keep up.
I stammer through most conversation quickly correcting every pronoun in the sentence. "These are our, I mean my children." "No we can't come over to play my husband, I mean ex husband is taking our, I mean the kids this weekend to our, I mean my apartment." Seriously it's exhausting.
My New Suggested Strategy:
"Hey kids from my uterus, you can not go to any one's house just get in the damn car." Think this will work? (Yes, I'll be giving myself the Mother of the Year Award next week...agreed)
2.Today I went and got my haircut. First haircut since August when my hair girl moved away. I started telling my new wonderful girl how desperate I was to get it cut because it was looking so thin and flimsy. She runs her fingers through my hair, "Honey are you okay?" I look around confused. "Umm, yeah why?" Wonderful hair girl, "Well I've never seen your hair so thin, are you under a lot of stress?"
I almost fell out of my chair. Crap! Now those around me are noticing the bags under my eyes and my thinning hair. The weight loss was nice, I'll admit that. But noticing my hair was thinning from stress was awful. So I sat there the next few minutes thinking about the pile of hair I keep finding in my shower in the morning, my pillow covered with hair when I wake up for the past 8 months and never once did I think maybe it was from stress. I thought I was doing pretty good hiding the outward signs of stress, hell I've been staying on top of this whole eyebrow plucking thing. (Who the hell came up with that idea anyway?! ) I mean I wouldn't want someone to look at me and think, "Look at those eyebrows that poor thing must be so stressed she doesn't even have time to pluck!" Ha!
3.That last one is a little sad. My Mother warned me early on but I didn't give it much thought. As I found some courage and began to tell those around me that I was getting a divorce a line began to form. Friends/Family who supported me on one side and those who didn't on the other. People's perceptions and feelings regarding their own marriages crept out in advice to me. Lines were drawn and even some friendships lost along the way. Maybe some felt they needed to pick a side, maybe for some it hit too close to home, maybe.....oh I have no idea. The friends who stood beside me, called me to just check in and let me vent angry, heated curse words through the process were front and center. For them I am ever grateful. For those friendship I lost along the way, I wish them well.
The good news is I'm still standing here. My speech is impaired from the process of ever changing pronouns and my hair appears to be thinning but I'm standing here, strong and surrounded by the people who support.
Okay the thinning hair thing kinda sucks!
But don't my eyebrows rock?!