Tuesday, May 5, 2015

What Not To Say To A Parent at the End of a School Year

What Not To Say To A Parent At The End of a School Year

1. "New Project Due this week."  Please design an exact replica of the White House built entirely out of recycled toothpicks you collectively got from no less than 30 restaurants around town.  Also attach a 5 page document outlining the steps you took to create your house written entirely in your own blood and sweat and tears!!!

2. "Please send in ________ for school tomorrow."  Anything more than "your child" is entirely too much!  I don't have anymore money for gifts, birthday presents or class auctions.  I have no more money left for fundraising, with only 12 days left of the year doesn't raising money seem rather...moot?

3. Fucking Glue Sticks!!!

4. A field trip form asking the same information about Insurance and Emergency phone calls as the last 6 I sent in this year.  Make a copy!

5. Lunch money.  Sweet jesus....the well is tapped dry people.  Let the kid have lunch for free as a celebratory gift for making it through the year eating school lunches.  "Great job on 8 months of successfully eating questionable school lunches, here's a few on us to show our appreciation."  Its clearly time to clean out the cupboard at school...right?!

6. "Could you.....?" No!!  Do you not see the singed hair on my head?  The crazy look on my face?  One eyeball rolling the opposite direction when one of my kids starts talking?  Do you notice that I'm not longer wearing matching clothes and my kids hair hasn't been brushed in a month?  Stop talking!!

7. .....Anything!!
At this point in the game as a parent we are standing on the ledge.  Fourteen school projects are due this month, 3 book reports, 2 collages, 1 animal mask and a cool item kids would want to bid on to buy.  Sanity......can you put a price on my Sanity?  I don't think the entire 5th grade class has enough cash to buy my sanity back.  Lets not forget the highly suggested extra curricular activity strongly recommended for our kids that I'm driving too twice a week.  I've worked out dinner on the go but my "project preparation" in the back of a Honda Civic is proving difficult.

It's May 5 and I'm done.  The kids are done.  Hell, the teachers are done.  Which why I suspect every "home project" is due this month because they are tired too.  So lets call a spade a spade and do like we used to.  Roll that big TV and VCR into the classroom, turn out the lights and hit play.

Monday, April 6, 2015

BB Interpretations

Bubbly B Interpretations

Bubbly B: Mama N must have been really good before I was born.

Me: What? Why do you say that?

Bubbly B: Because the song goes (in full singing voice) 'From Thy Good To Brotherhood'.  He was so good he got to have a brother!

N: Crap! Is that what happened?  

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Early Selective Listening Skills

Tonight I was putting Bubbly B to bed and this is how our conversation went.

Me: I notice you are really struggling with listening lately.  Why do you think that is?
BB: It's just that when I was born I was really good at listening.  But as I get older my ears are getting clogged.
Me: Clogged?  We could clean them out.
BB:  Well it's like they just want to turn off and not listen anymore.
Me: Can you turn them back on and try harder?
BB: No they do it on their own no matter what I tell them.

It starts so young.....

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Rough Hands

Tonight I picked up my boys from my Dads house.  He picks them up from school for me a couple of times a week.  When I got to his house though he had an odd question.

He asked me to hold out my hands so he could see them.

I held out my hands so he could inspect the back of my hands.
He nodded and asked me to flip over my hands.

For those of you who have never met my Father he is a Retired Investigator.  Not a street cop but has way more information than they layman.  Therefore when he asks to look at your hands, you get a little on edge.  I held out my hands, just slightly nervous wondering where this was going.

He nodded again.

Me: "What's up?"
My Dad: "When I picked up your kids from school today I offered to take them to the store so they could buy their Mother a Birthday gift and card.  Bubbly B however told me that you don't like cards because your hands don't like to open all those cards.  So I wanted to make sure everything was okay with your hands.  I'd never heard of anything like this before."

Me: (laughing) "Remember Dad whatever comes out of Bubbly B's mouth if a 50/50 chance it's made up."

Although the percentage lies somewhere more like this:

2% Fact
98% Embellished fact from the morsel of information he picked up.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Heartbroken and the Big "P" word

Say the word “Puberty” among other parents and the reaction you get are like roaches scattering in the light.  Ears covered, running the other direction and yelling, “Can’t hear you.”

I get it, the subject does not conjure up great images.  In fact many of us would probably rather skip our kids going through it for many reasons.  I did some research though and there is no easy way to tell you this.  But….you can’t skip it.

And I’m knee deep in it in my house.

And I’m heart broken.

My 10 year old (who will be mortified that I am even telling you this) is in the throes of puberty.  It started with pimples on his face, and my heart broke for him.  A few other changes came next but I’ll skip those details.  This past December he went to see the pediatrician and she noted his voice changing.

I looked at her confused, because clearly he was suffering from allergies.  Or a cold. You'd think a doctor could recognize this.  His voice couldn't possibly be changing already.

She was right however.

He sat in the car and told me he just wanted to be a kid and didn't want to go through all this.

My heart broke more.  Now a few months later and either this is the longest running head congestion (which I’m still secretly holding onto) or his voice really is changing.

Suddenly the part that hurts the most is that I can’t remember what his voice sounded like before.  I wish I had videoed more.  I take pictures CONSTANTLY but now I wish I had hit video instead.

So go videotape your kids tonight.  Record their voice, their words and their thoughts while you can. Soon enough it all begins to change and it becomes too late to go back.  

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Best Sandwich Ever!!

Bubbly B: I had the best sandwich ever today.  Grandpa made it.

Me: What kind?

Bubbly B: It had beef on it.  Mustard.  He went to a lot of trouble too.  He put mustard on both sides and beef on both sides.  And I don’t know what kind of bun it was.  But it was the best because the bun wasn't like a McDonald's bun, this one had sesame seeds on it. Real sesame seeds.
It was so good!

So Congratulations Grandpa you win the Best Sandwich Ever award from Bubbly B!

Monday, January 26, 2015

Begin Again.

Hello my name is Mommy Wishdom and I have not written a blog post in.....in a long time.

I have let life, kids, work and relationships get in the way of writing, and I miss it.  I love when someone tells me that my blog made them laugh.  I love it.  As in a deep belly roll kinda love.  So I should be writing more.  So I thought I'd reintroduce myself and begin again. Again.

My life revolves around my two boys who are currently 7 and 10. I know about Lego's, football teams, how to wash a jockstrap and all things Minecraft.  There has never been a Barbie in my house.  Well except for those still in a box from 30 something years ago, but I am pretty sure those don't count.  Our days are busy and often our dinners are eaten in the backseat of the car on our way to the next sporting event. 

 It might be easier to tell you who I am not.  I am not Donna Reed.  I am not that Mother who has the perfect speech prepared at every life moment.  I don't wear pearls but polka dots are pretty close.  I have been known to yell, although I am working on this.  Our dinners are sometimes corn dogs and never tofu.  I do not have laminated chore charts my kids can apply stickers too and earn their allowance.  The tooth fairy has been known to regift the money she left previously when a tooth shows up missing unexpectedly.  I forget to send my kids in pajama's on pajama day and once my kids hair went uncombed on Kindergarten graduation picture day. 

This is my life.  Its wild.  Funny and comes with a healthy dose of sarcasm.  That's us.....just wishing for a little Mommy Wisdom.