Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Pissing Contests or Conversations with the Boys

(Conversation In My Car yesterday morning discussing whether there was fog the previous night.)

Me: I don’t know if there was fog but that is condensation on the windows.
Xman: Condensation! I’ve been learning about that in school.

BB: I know all about condensation, we learned about that already.

Xman: Well I already knew all about it too, I just forgot the name.

BB: Well I knew all about it and the name too.

N: (puts headphones back on his head)

Me: (turns the volume way up on the radio to Maroon 5 singing ‘I don’t wanna know…know…know”)

This is my life.

You can substitute “condensation” for ANY other word and the conversation flows the same.  Minecraft, roblox, pokemon, running, eating, jumping, falling down, whether the dog loves one over the other, dominoes, cards, scootering, who can jump the scooter higher, any fact listed on the Brain Games tv show, Bob Ross’ painting skills (YES!!), who brushed their teeth longer, whether or not ___ uses exactly 50% more toothpaste than he should, weather, random facts, who does more chores, who is overworked, who isn’t overworked, who knows who got the last cookie, who wanted the last cookie, whether it will rain, whether it will snow, what shape the clouds look like, is the sunrise pretty, current kangaroo population in Africa, and on and on and on.

Everything is a competition.  Everything!  It makes me want to yell, “You are all pathological liars!” and shove cotton in my ears so I can’t hear them.  Of course if you call them on their lies, they just lie more and how am I supposed to prove whether they knew if Bob Ross always draws his trees from top to bottom.  I mean they’ve only seen 2 actual episodes…but what do I know!  It’s an argument that isn’t worth arguing which I’m starting to suspect is part of the appeal.  Sort of a ‘you can’t prove the lie so I’ll keep making shit up” benefit.
I grew up with older brothers, and they never competed with the only girl, baby in the family.  Mr B. has spent his entire life competing with his brother.  Literally at 40 years old they still compete!  It’s maddening.  Is it a boy thing?  Is there way to truly tune this out? 

Although we haven't actually had the pissing contest, I know it's coming.

Sunday, January 1, 2017

Family Game Night

January 1 is the start of new resolutions or family goals and in the true spirit of the season we decided to play a new game Xman got for Christmas, a trivia game.  We all collected on the floor in front of the board, along with two stinky dogs and began the question and answer game.

Question 1
BB: "I don't know! I don't know any trivia answers!" (he says while jumping in a circle)
(After the answer is given)
Xman: "Oh I knew that!"
Mr B: "N put your cellphone away."
N: "Why can't I have my cellphone while we play?"
Me: This is going to be a long game!

Question 2
BB: "These are too hard." (bouncing on his knees)
Xman: "The war of 1812!"
Me: Wrong!
Mr B: "Right!"
Me: wait...what?
N: (mumbling with arms crossed on his chest)
Mr B: "Whose next?"
Me: This is going to be a really looooong game.

Question 3
N: (Grumbles in the corner, moans about having to play family games)
Mr. B: "X what is your answer before I read the answer.  That is incorrect, the correct answer is Los Angeles"
Xman: "Ugh....I was going to say that!"
BB: (spins clockwise and counter clockwise in a 15 second span)
Xman: "I totally knew that, I was just going to say that."
Me: (Rubs my right eye trying to push back the impending migraine)

Question 4 
N: (one teenage moaning and two huffs)
Xman: (Once the answer is given) "That's what I meant, I knew that!"
BB: Jumps from the floor to the couch, backwards.
Mr B: (looks at me and rolls his eyes)
Me: (Now rubbing both eyes) The migraine is coming faster!

Before we move on we give a short speech about saying you know the answer, even though you don't is not very nice.  I can tell no one is listening to me.

Question 5 
N: "C'mon Mom YOU should know this!" with a hint of teenage disgust.
Xman: "I know this! I know this!"
BB: dancing with the dog
Mr B: "Babe? Really? You don't know this?"
Me: "Oh hell I don't know what I had for breakfast let alone the Revolutionary War!"

Question 6 
BB: "I don't know!!!  I'm just a kid!"
Xman: "I know! I know! I so know this!"
N: "He think he knows everything!"
Mr B: "X what did we say about saying that? (asks him to answer the question and then of course gets it right)
Me: What would be the best way to runaway without them noticing?

Question 7
BB: "Cant we play The Voice on Xbox instead?" (does three somersaults and a kick)
Xman: "No keep going. I know the answer to that one too."
N: "He hasn't even read the question yet!" (in a teenage shriek)
Mr B: "Guys Guys Guys, listen."
Me: How many seconds will it take to make a run for the stairs? Would they even notice?

Question 8
BB: "Smack shack!" (laughs loudly repeating rhyming words over and over and over)
Xman: (laughs at BB) "Smack Shack, Smack Shack...Oh I know this one!"
N: (Dramatic huff)
Mr B: "Wait that was wrong? No no I meant Paris, you just didn't hear me right."
Me: I will wait till the dog moves to make my run.

Question 9
BB: (kicks the board and all the pieces go flying)
Xman: "Oh man!"
N: "BB now look what you did!"
Mr B: "Just great!"
Me: Could that be the distraction I need? Should I go? This might be my only chance, do I chance it?

Question 10
BB: "Seriously I'm only 8, we haven't studied geography yet!" jumps from one leg to another, across the couch, over the piano seat and army crawls across the floor
N: "Yes you have!! Ugh!"
Xman: "I bet I know the answer!"
Me:  Mr B is staring at me, he knows, he can sense my plan. Abort! Abort!

Question 11
BB: (legs up in the air butt facing to the board game, he farts...loudly)
N: "Oh god!"
Xman: "Ew that was gross"
Mr B: "Just great!" (eye roll)
Me: "Good god what do you say?"
BB: "I said 'cuse me."
Me: This is it, this is how I'm going to die!

Question 12
BB: runs in small circle and lands on stuffed animal as his foot hits the board again
Mr B: "That's twice!"
N: "Is this game done yet?"
Xman: "My turn Geo Graphy."
N: "Geography not geo graphy!!!"
Me: The darkness is closing in around me, this is it. Death I welcome you.

Question 13
Mr B: "Last question!!!"
Xman: "I sooo know this!"
BB: "That's what you always say!"
N: "So do you B! You both say it, you don't know the answer!"
Mr B: "I win"
BB: starts mid room marathon between couches
Xman: "Oh man, I knew that answer, I could have won!"
Me: Nothing is happening, I'm still here! Crap! Why are they talking while brushing their teeth? You cant talk and brush your teeth? "I don't hear much teeth brushing happening.  Stop talking and brush your teeth!"
Xman: "I know!"
N: "You said it, you owe her $10."
Xman: "No I don't!"
BB: Laughing and dancing while he "brushes" his teeth
thirty seconds later....everyone is done.
Mr B: "Get into bed, we'll be right there"
Xman: Why does he get to have a light on? I want a reading light on."
Mr B: "Turn your light off!"
Xman: "But why does he get it on?"
N: shuffles off to the bathroom and locks the door
BB: "X do you know how afraid of the dark I am?"
Xman: "So!  I want a light on too."
Mr B: "I'm going to have to bring the hammer down soon. Get into bed and turn out the light!"
Xman: "Seriously its so unfair. I need a book light on too. I never get to do anything."
BB: "I need it on!"
Me: shrieking "GET INTO YOUR BED AND SHUT UP!!!!!!"
Xman: "I'm really getting tired of the yelling.  I do not appreciate it and I would like you to stop doing that."
Me: Runs screaming for the door, hair on fire, smoke coming from my ears, curse words flying from my mouth, crazed look in my eye....

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Beauty is in the eye of the person with cash!

A camera and coins were the goal a few Sunday's ago. We went to our first auction to look for old cameras for Mr B's collection and coins.  What we came home with was far more fascinating.
We found a framed picture of our elusive Aunt Betty.  I know there are a few scratching their head right now trying to recall who the heck Aunt Betty is.  You know……the crazy Aunt……the one people rarely talk about…..remember her?  She lived in that house?  Remember? On that street? You know who I’m talking about! She was the Crazy Aunt on our mother’s side? Remember?  Needless to say to find a framed art rendition was quite a find.

Xman picked out a 4 foot framed picture of the sea. 4 feet wide.  Wide!

When we thought it couldn’t get better low and behold we found even more treasures!  Right there on a table in a tidy pink box was the most adorable navy blue vintage 1950 turban style hat. It’s gorgeous and screams 1950’s cool.  Now I know what you are thinking, where will she wear such an awesome hat?  I have no freaking clue!  I don’t own any 1950 throwback garb that also happens to match a navy blue hat.  This is what you do at an auction, buy strange shit you don’t really need. UPDATE: I have since tried on the hat and with my ears it doesn't look as 1950's cool as I thought it would.  It looks like I need an ear job...desperately.  

We also purchased a brass 1970’s sullen sounding gong.  Yes I said gong. 

Not to be overlooked is the five pound quartz replica of a whale pen holder.  That is quite a find!  Not often do you find a pen holder that IS ALSO a replica of a whale.  Even if you do it's never five pounds.  I can feel your envy even from here.

We aren’t done yet people. We also found a brass incense holder (at least we think that’s what it is) from India, a Mickey & Minnie mouse figurine, two Chinese dragon sculptures, some kind of reel to reel recorder and the last rare find was a brown velvet koala bank.  I can’t make this stuff up!  Check the pictures for proof.

What even is this?
Is Minnie flipping us off?

By the way we did find coins and cameras but with all this other incredible stuff those pale in comparison.  

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Reason #219: Proof School Districts Hate Working Parents

Its summertime. There are no backpacks on the floor, no lunchboxes next to the sink.  There are no permission slips to sign, no reminders to bring in 17 pencils to school the next day.  Really....17!  I think the teachers enjoy this too.  They ask the parents to bring in some odd number of things so we are forced to buy more.  I think it's a sneaky way of getting more supplies for their class.  Really the 267 glue sticks I've brought in here weren't enough?! seems as if every time I need to bring something in the package quantity is off.  Like they plan it that way. The class size: 26  Carton size of whatever I'm bringing in: 24.  So heads up to future teachers when my kids walk in with 12 extra "whatever's", don't act surprised and grateful, I'm on to you!!

Okay I'm already losing focus here.  Where was I?  Yes!  School.  It's summertime and the new school year is more than 6 weeks away and already the school has decided to screw with me.

Lets break this down really simply: School District's Hate Working Parents!

Now I know this seems rather harsh and incomprehensible but let me prove it to you.  Over the last few years our district started a "Lets teach the teachers something and let the kids go home early" day once a month.  There is probably a more official name for it, but you get the point.  Once A Month!!  Then you throw in a couple holidays where school is out and what an awesome little month of school it's become.  Except for the 6 six days my kids weren't at school.  I wish I could take 6 days off a month.  You know why I can't...because I am working.  Working!  Someone has to pay for those 267 glue sticks.  Oh yeah and twice a month during conferences the school gets out at 10:00 am.  You know 2 hours after I dropped them off someone has to be back there to pick the kids up.  You know who isn't able to do that....ME!  You know why.....because I'm working!  267 glue sticks don't pay for themselves people!!  Last week our district sent out an email about next years schedule.  I had six weeks to go before I began beating my head against the wall...!  Next year there will one day a month with a late start.  %$&^@!!  Yes, one day a month I won't have to drop my kids off until 9:30 am.  9:30!  Do you know what time I have to be at work.....8:00.    You know there will be a flyer going home that says, "By the way parents that doesn't mean you can drop your kid off at 7:40 so they can play on the playground until 9:30 even if you think it should count as extra exercise time.  Nice try!"
Bastards!  You know they will allow us to drop off our kids to the before school program on those days...and they will happily accept the money required to sign your kid in.  So the money I just made for two hours worth of work, minus what I paid to drop off two kids at the Before School Program leaves me with $.19.  Trust glue sticks cost way more than nineteen cents!

It seems like the last few protests I stood in to support teachers had nothing to do with extra days off.  Give them money!  I am beginning to understand how this might work.  This must be how the laws are written.  Section 119: Teachers will be given $.07 more per hour of pay if this bill passes.  However we will take away four school days from the year and they will be considered unpaid."

So starting next year on those late start days I told my kids they have to walk to school.  It's only 14 miles and map quest says they can do it in just under 5 hours.  I promised I would wake them early.  Lets just hope Bubbly B doesn't lose his water bottle right away or those Late Start Days will be a bit rough.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

A Jugglers Tale

It's all about balance.  Every little thing given ample time and attention while precariously hanging in the air.  This is  my life.

(Sorry I left for a minute, I'm back now, the cat needed water...fresh from the tap and refused to let me type until I got it for her.)

Have you ever seen those amazing jugglers who can juggle anything?  They start with a ball and slowly move up in size.  Right now I feel like I'm juggling chainsaws...on fire...while standing on a ball....on a hill!

(oops laundry is done, hang on one second)

With a second relationship the balance is precarious.

(ok, back again, sorry, the dog was eating a colored pencil.  That will bite us both in the ass later.)

Our relationship is still new and plus I really like the man and want to spend time with him.  Our kids are used to having us around and we want to spend time with them; its becoming painfully clear this growing up thing isn't going to stop.

("Go eat breakfast...just like we do every morning!" OKAY, I'm back...for good this time!)

How do you balance out time you are so short of to all the important people in your life?  How do you juggle all those balls in the air and manage to keep them all moving forward?

(Give me another minute...minor crisis brewing in the bathroom between two elbow driven boys)

It occurs to me that...."What?  Oh hell!".......

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Written Treasures by Xman

The best thing I ever did was let my boyfriends son on my computer.  I find these written treasures all the time.  There is another one he started about a boy named X and his two brothers.  Love!!  Enjoy this dramatic and comedic representation of our little family by Xman. 
(The only editing I did was to remove the kids name, this is as he typed it)

The Unrevealing Truth
By X

X, the revealer, B’s Brother
B, the reading lover
N, the smart Guy of the family
K, the kids’ mom
B, the kids’ dad
the crowd, the ones who have found out the reveal.

Scene 1. The family is at home, relaxing.

X: I’m glad no one has found out the secret.
B: Keep it down, I want to read “Wednesday Wars”!
N: Malamar-EX, use Spook Attack! Asleep!
X: How’s you like my city, guys?
Dad: It’s so large, I’m going to faint! *sigh*
K: Xavier, time for showers!
X: (Mumbling) I wish I could take a break! (aloud) I said, I’m glad I get a shower every night!
D: Like you’d ever say that!
N: Dad, be honest. You never say that!
D: Aah! My nose exploded!
X: Please. I do not see a nose lying on the ground.
N (to himself): Crazy.
Dad: You’re serious.
K: Nick, you’re up for showers! And no groaning!
N: (groan)

Scene 2. It is the day before the reveal.

B: Maybe you should just admit it. Being brothers is not a secret. It is stupid.
X: Not just brothers, family members. Of the only 900 that have superpowers, 2 of them are us.
N: I need your opinion on something. Should I type or draw today?
B: Type.
X: Draw.
N: Aaaaaaaahhhhh. Rock-Paper-Scissors, that stupid game.
Both: Rock, paper, scissors, (B: whattheheck, X: whatever.)
(B gets scissors and X gets Rock.)
X: O.K. …….


Crowd: Secret? Can we hear it?
X: One, this secret will not be a secret. Second, I don’t dang care about secrets.
N: Secret……………………..
B: You’re surrounded now. Tell the secret, or I’m outta here.
X: Fine. The secret is…..
Crowd: Come on….
X: I’m…
Crowd: Say it….
X: B’s brother.
(Everyone gasps.)
Crowd: What?!?!?
X: Yep.
B: Thanks for saying it. That’s all I wanted you to say.
X: Yeah. It’s what I just was wanting to say. (He mumbles again, “Like I’d EVER say that.)

So, have a great day, and The End!

Monday, September 21, 2015

Parade of Hell, otherwise known as the Parent Drop Off Zone

   At the school I drop my kids off each morning there are three areas for parents to drop off their kids.  The kindergarten drop off was the worst.  The first year after Kinder I snuck over to the 3rd grade side.  Those Kinder parents are nuts.  Full of emotions and chaos.  Kids climbing out the wrong side of the door, making a run back into the car if no one is paying attention, parents screaming directions out the windows and lets not forget about the parent who has to park and assist with every jacket/hat/backpack....for all four kids.  While I'm parked behind her.  Giving her death glares because my kid is at lunch already I've been there so long.

                                                 Image result for angry mom drop off zone meme

   Okay...maybe not lunch, maybe I exaggerate.  There is a man who cut me off so many times that every time I see him at a school function I stop short in front of him because....well because I'm like that.   I know I sound kind of shitty but please bare in mind that it's 7:40, I've had only one cup of coffee and likely I screamed like a banshee to get my kids out of the house so I could pull into the parade of hell, otherwise known as the Parent Drop Off Zone.

   Well I hoped the Third Grade drop off would be better, I was wrong.  This morning was no different.  The 3rd grade area is a little different, it's actually a bus drop off area AND a parent drop off area.  Two different areas clearly marked by the painted curb, the letters sent home by the principal at the beginning of the year and third by common sense of your SUV idling by the side of the curb and the BIG ASS BUS in your rear view mirror honking.  At you!   See the bus drop off area is right next to the school gate and is big enough to park three buses.  Then the parent drop off area begins.  The rules are simple; pull up to the parent drop off area, let your kid out and leave.  Now it also means that you pull up behind the car already parked in the parent drop off area.  This morning I worked my way to the front and parked to let my kids out.  Two buses were parked in front of me.  Just as I'm about to pull into oncoming traffic...oh look it's Super Mom in her minivan!  She stealthy pulls right in front of me (not in the parent zone but the bus zone).  Why....because her kid is entitled.  Her kid should not be forced to walk the 8 extra feet to get to school.  Her kid doesn't have to wait in three car line as the other kids have to.  Her kid is special.  Clearly more special than mine.  She should be allowed to drop her kids off wherever the hell she wants too and screw the rest of us. 

Am I a little impassioned about this? Hell yes. Is it justified? Hell yeas.  I hear constantly about our kids being "too entitled" blah blah blah....!  You now why....because of Moms like this.  Follow the rules, how about that?  Make your kid walk the 8 extra feet, how about that?  Don't carry your kids backpack for them while they walk to school, how about that?  Make your kid learn to be responsible for his actions because he saw his parents do it, how about that?

   Needless to say the Third Grade Drop Off Zone isn't going well.  I no longer have hopes that the 5th grade side is any better.  I've considered adding bull horns and bazooka to the top of my car.  Neither will get me better gas mileage though.  So I will have to start dropping my kid off around the corner.  That way they can walk to school, like I did.  Appreciate the exercise and maybe save their Mother from having to get anti-anxiety meds just for school drop off zone.