Monday, October 27, 2014

The Eater, The Negotiator & Sneezy Go For A Hike

Take them outside, be outdoorsy, they said.  Hike with your kids, they said.
Clearly "they" need a healthy dose of reality.

Yesterday my man and I took our kids hiking.  Three boys between the ages of 6-10.  
Here is a momentary glimpse into our hike.

"Put your ipod away.  You can not walk and take pictures."
"I'm hungry."
"It's okay, I can do it. I can take pictures."
"No, put it in your pocket."
"Can I have a granola bar?"
"I promise I can.  I want to take pictures of our hike."
"What if it starts raining right now, what do we do?"
"Here I am done.  Do you have anything else to eat?"
"Give me the ipod."
"Then you will not have pictures of this trip and you will be sad."
"What if magical unicorns fell from the sky right now?"
"When we stop for water breaks you can take pictures then."
"Okay. Is it time for a water break?"
"Can you hand me my sunflower seeds?"

Five minutes later and my man is lagging behind.
"You know why my Dad is all the way back there?  Because he's taking pictures, Lots. Opposite of me."
"Are there scorpions?"

Friday, September 26, 2014

Alex The Answer Is Paper Plates!

They say the closer you get to 40, the more you accept yourself for who you are.  I don't know the accuracy for this data but it seems to fit.  Any good therapist will tell you, "Not everything will fit for you, take it in, chew on it and see if it feels right for you."  This seems to fit.

I have less tolerance for bullshit in my life than I did ten years ago.  Lately when things go south I let myself have a pity party and cry for one night and then decide to wake up and be over it.  It's worked time and time again in the last few years.  I no longer feel the need to explain myself to those around me.  More acceptance of myself. (I hope what comes next is less over analyzing, this would be nice.  I probably can't request life lessons huh?) My world is busy and chaotic and most days I lay my head down at night and have regrets.  Although the closer I get to 40, the less regrets I seem to have, well the less big regrets I have.

This year I decided no more real plates at my home. I drove myself to the store and spent $4.99 and bought 500 paper plates.  My kids eat breakfast and dinner at home. Breakfast is usually cereal or waffles.  Three days out of the five we eat dinner in the car on our way to a sporting event.  Even though this leaves only a few nights a week, what it does leave is a few dishes in my sink.  Another task.  Another chore to do.  Another something when my time feels so taken as it is.  The first week I felt guilty.  Then as a second sport entered the picture I gave up on that.  This one small thing saves me a few minutes in the day.  Saves me a few strands of my sanity.  You know the strands I have to schedule to color because the "I'm closer to forty than you think-gray" is coming in.  

I don't know if my kids notice.  Maybe one day they will look back and wonder why we never used the real plates, or maybe I'll be tortured with the story like my brothers and I do our own parents.  Maybe they haven't even realized and could care less.  Who knows.  I do know a few of those dinner I actually was able to sit down at the table with them while they ate instead of eating while I did the dishes...or the laundry....or checked homework...or signed agendas....

Maybe paper plates were the answer all along.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

School News from Bubbly B

N is studying the Explorers and an idiot created some new ridiculous way to do long division that isn't any less steps.  So it's useless and I can't figure it out nor explain it to my child. Therefore making homework pointless if I can't actually help my child at HOME with his WORK.
That's all I know about what's happening in fifth grade. 

In first grade Bubbly B's teacher wore a new shirt last week that he really liked and tells me he told her as much.  He has 7 members in his Digging Club at recess and he's upset that the number isn't higher.  He'd really like to have at least 12 or 17 kids in his club.  Last week he had more but Nathan didn't want to dig anymore,  "I told him tomorrow we could do what he wanted to do but today we had to dig, that's what a digging club does."

"Karly likes digging club but she comes and goes in the club, girls!" (eye roll included)

"Also Nathan told the class that when he was camping he was bit by a snake. He's the second smartest kid in our class and I think that snake just wanted some of his smarts."

"Black widow spiders can bite you and kill you. Tarantula's are orange and black and totally harmless Mama."

These two are brothers.  Same Mother and Father.  Same petri dish during In Vitro Fertilization.....and yet they couldn't be more opposite.

And maybe First Grade really is awesome. 

Side note: I no responsibility if any of these above named facts are true or not, it's a crap shoot when it comes from Bubbly B.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Freaking Love with A Six Year Old

Me: I love you baby.  Everyday.  No matter what.  Do you know that?
B: Yep.  I love you too.  Even when you make me freaking crazy. 

Monday, August 18, 2014

Homework With A Six Year Old or How I Poked My Eyes Out On The 3rd Week of School

I knew this year would be the year that homework got really shitty.  What I wasn't expecting was the trouble was going to be from First grade, or rather the child in it. 

B: I did my homework, I'm done.
Me: You only did one sentence.  You have to make a sentence for each spelling word.
B: No, it's just one word.
Me:  Lets read the directions.  "Make a riddle for each spelling word."  What does each mean?
B: I know what each means but I know I only have to pick one word.
Me: Really?  (This is my go to phrase as my patience is walking running out the door.)
B: (looking straight at me) Were you in my class? No. I know the rules. 

Eye rub, three sips from my drink and a nose twitch later....

Me: Okay, I'm taking you to school tomorrow.  I'll park and walk you in and we will go ask your teacher the directions, how about that?
B: Nevermind.  I'll just do it. 

Mom -1
B - 23, 318
Someday I'll even the score, someday. 

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Karma Loves Me!

I imagine Karma is a large man sitting in royal chair with a long red beard.  His fingers are chubby and covered in chocolate.   He's comfortably dressed for lounging and watching the show that he creates in my life.  On a large screen in front of him is the story of my life and he is an active participator.

This week's episode is Name all of Kellie's kids' teachers the same name.  On a white board next to him are listed dates with dollar amounts.  These are the bets of those around him to see how quickly I can screw up and email the wrong teacher.

No worries, my bet is there too.  By August 29, I am sure of it.

Welcome Back to the School Year Crazy Cats!!

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Bad Parenting and Oreo Cookies - Hand in Hand

I took Bubbly B with me to the store to get spaghetti sauce for dinner.  By the way I had an actual can of spaghetti sauce and I thought I could spice it up and make it work.  It's going over noodles, how hard could this be?  I opened the can into the pan and tasted it.  Terrible!  Odd.  I checked the date.....use by 2011.  (insert hysterical laugh)  So B and I headed off to the store.  Of course walking in and grabbing one jar is a waste considering the cost of gas it took to get there so several other items creeped into our hands.  I sent B in search of Oreos.  Don't judge me. 

B slides chocolate Oreo's onto the conveyor belt.
"What are these?"
"Chocolate Oreos.  Don't they look great?"
"B, no, we are not getting Chocolate Oreos. Take those back and get the regular Oreo's.  No Birthday cake or double stuff either."

A few minutes later....

B sets a package of regular Oreo's down and pouts.  "Why can't we try something new?  We always get the same stuff.  I need to try new things, my body needs new things." 
I deadpan him.  He can't be serious.
"B there are some things you don't mess with and Oreo cookies are one of them."
"But what if these are better?"
"Not possible.  Plus I am not spending my money on something I don't want to eat."

Yes like a blinding light I already hear the irony happening.  If I buy the Oreo's I don't want to eat, I might have to quit complaining that my butt is getting bigger and bigger.  I might see the scale go down instead of up.  I might sit on the couch and not have to relax after the eat-the-Oreos-till-I-feel-sick moment.  Which by the way is the only way I am capable of eating them.  Only two ass.  Well clearly!  More importantly I might have to say to my kid, "Hey that's a great idea, you are right, go buy the crappy ruined Oreo's."  Yeah that's not gonna happen.

A few minutes later.....

"Mama, what if I use my money and buy the Oreo's?"
"That sounds like a great plan."
"Cool, lets go get my tooth fairy money."

Reason number 43,297 why my parenting skills are questionable.